Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals
by Great Pikmin Fan
Summary: Part of the "SBIG" series. It's a stupid parody of the OVAs/manga before later chapters get more "original." I'd advise to ignore this if you don't like fan fics written bad on purpose. Completed, and my first fan fic to be so. Edit: And now touched up a little. The old version will be on the fan fiction wiki.
1. Heck Vs Heven

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 1: Heck Vs Heven**

**Beginning AN:**

**Please Note:** This fan fic is deliberately made horrible as an attempt at parody or badfic. And I just felt like I had to publish it around now because of some joke related to when I publish chapter three. I would advise you to ignore this fic completely now since it's already becoming an old shame just as my last parody, but since it's already here and you've already clicked on this I guess you can critique it. If you don't like it, be sure to give reasons why. I don't _intend_ on trolling, but if you _want_ to take this fan fic seriously and be offended by it, you can. **EDIT:** More recently, I've came up with an alternative introduction, but this is more for the general series. This is the third installment of SBIG.

**Welcome to SBIG!** This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.

My real ANs after the fic are marked by a "Closing AN," and the ones in the middle are marked "Real AN." If it just says "AN," it's by the alter-ego who's writing this.

I do warn you that this will contain some spoilers in the canon series even though it will eventually diverge, and also to _Ed, Edd n Eddy_ fans who have not seen the movie: beware. One chapter (I will not say which to give it a better impact) will spoil a major event in the movie.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass paladin. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER I<strong>

Al Card Badguy who was powerful vampire and also vamp hunter was at once on Fakebook (Get it like Faxbook but not which is like a joke from The pimpsons?) when he sudently got tweet from his boss Integra Heck who told him that vamperers and zombys where attacking forest.

"But isn't there spell kepeing other vamps outo? What going on?" he snarked like Noah from Total Dram Island but did not because noahs from a diferent anime.

"There no time to check out what. you must og to the sene of the criim."

So Al turned of his Facebook and got into his tank were he cept his gun the Jeckel and he got into the tank and drove off. But om the way, he forgot his tank wont mak it in time! "NO THERE MUST B OTHER WAY" he says before findin a broken fyre hidrant. water Was Shuting out like gizer or volcano.

"Hm interesting i can use this broken hytrent as a boost for my tank witch Wil then make me abel to fly using rocket boosters so i can go to forrest and figt the vampers and live up to my organizaton name and UNLEESH HECK on the badguys of corse witch is why my last name is badguy aktualy it is not the reeson why but i do not rilly follow my family name i am actualy a goodguy but for why im caled badguy is my family name; and i have bad past with my family who iis real badguy and gav me a badtime and showd he was badguy on me during the time i had in the past way back dering the past when i was kid but that aanother story taht I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIGHTS NOW."

Then he haerd screams and decided that the tim was now so he wet up on the water and uzed rocket boosters to fly through air and he landed in forrrest were the First Boss was fiting cops.

"It sure is fun to kill cops!" Said first boss, the vampire preist. And Then He went oer to the last cop who was blonde chick with nice boos. He then he grbbed her but furst saw alcard.

"WHO IS DIS GUY? HM?" "FOR UR INFOOMATION, I'M AL CARD! AND IM HIGHERED TO KILL YOU!"

"That's a stupid name, Alucard, I'll just call you Al instead."

Alucard glayred. "Don.t' I do not like it."

And then Al shot the zombys that the First Boss maid from bitting em. and we saw closee ups of his Bulets shooting guns at thm. BUT THEN HE DID JUST SHOT COP GIRL BY ACCENT?

"oops sarry" "Arght! Save me Pleese?" "Okay you want me to make you also vampir? You haz to be servent?" "ANYTHING PLEASE OKAY?"

But then Al saw Firt Boss Try to get up, so he turned into jiant mowth and eight him. Then he saw cop dying so he bit her fastly.

MEANWHILE IN THE HECKSING MANOR

The cop got up in bed and saw heself now with FANGS! VAPIRE FINGS! "wow tat realy did work afer all."

"Yes it did." someone walked in to say that qote just there, and it was INTEGRA. "Welcom to Hecksing."

Then Al entered the room! "Okay who is your name." "Sarah." "Okay seras now we go to traning."

"NO TRANEING NOW!" OIntegra shooted. "I did otopsy on the First Boss and found that he belonged to our other group Hevensing! That why there was vamp in london even through us and them has spel that keps non-us or Hevensing vampirs out of London, because IT WAS HEVENSING VAMPIRE! GO TO BASE NOW AND SERCH AND DESTROY TOES TRAIDERS!"

"But training!" Al wined.

"NO TRAINING! DIS SEREOS!"

MEANWHILE AT CHURCH HIDEOUT

Al took his tank and got Ceres in it and drove off into the hydrent. They then thook the boost and soon Alejandro and Sierra were on they're way to the hidou.

But when they brock in, they found Ned Faldners! The leeder of heveavansing! "I KNEW IT WA YOU! Stupid flanders." says Al.

"wogly wogly Mr. badguy**(A)**! I cammed to the dark side because i dont like working for good anymore." "GOSH! You evil peple make me sick... yuck!" "BUT NOW YOU HAVE FALLD FOR TRAP! ANDERSOM! KILL THEM!"

And then Alacard and Ser saw some shadow by church. It was the Final Boss of the fan fc, Alaxander Andrew! "And the god said to the Jesus LET THERE BE NO VAMPIRES, and so that is wyh ALL VAMPIRS MUST DIE!"

And then Bible apiered, and Fanders jumped into it, and bibel flew off, leafing the too vampirs to fit the Final Boss Anderson. But then gold bible pages cam in, and sealed the doors and window! The Hecksings cant not get oot! "Uh oh..." said Al.

But he had no time to say anythig elese, because Ander tuk a sord and cut off his head! But he is not ded and told Serah from mind "Drink my blood and get powerup to defeet the badguy." "No I will not I'm not monstar!" Wined Serah.

"Who you tocking to?!" Anderson aksed. But then bats flew in and reformed another Alucard! "Danggit now i haz to finish him myself. YOU USELESS SARA!"

"WHAT THE HEVEN?" asked anders "nOT AGAIN WITH THIS aLUCARD! wHAT ARE YOU, INVISIBLE?"

"Yar, There be no such thing as immorality." Say Al.

"ENOF IS ENOF! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MEDDLING HECKSINGS, AND THAT STUPID INTEGRA!"

"Scooby dooby du!" Aulcard says, and thus the Scooby Doo referance was fulfilled. "Oh wayt you made fun of Integer. I sorry, i have to kill you. this mitgh hurt OK?"

"NO WAT DA FU-"

"HEY! KIDS READ THIS! THIS IS WHY ITS K+ PULS AN NOT T! AND Y WE ARE HECKSING AND NOT HELLSING**(B)**!"

But then, al tuned into mouth and ate Anderson! And bible flew back in and F;anders came out and started creyeing.

"No didly o!" He cryed "my boyfriend is dead! We wheere lovers! I kill you!"

Then Alucard said, "Shut up," and shot him, and since Flanders had no powers unlike Anderson and his Jesus, when Flanders tried to shoot the bullet it did nothing and Flanders died. He was shot in the forehead which was ironic because the bullet hole left a mark kind of like the Bhuta religion even though Dlanders is Catholic so angles might see that and send him to the wrong afterlife by mistake. Or not since that's not how the afterworld works as you will see in chapter 12.

Al looked at Seras. "Hey you shoudl relly drink blood next time to get stronger yong grasshopper. Cuz what if I'm not here? Hm?" "Hey don threat me like kid!" then they laffed and got into Als tank and rode off to sunset. Or rather, sunrize! LOL.

But little did they no that there was worser peepol out there! Ok they kind of did because Integra phoned alucard with the massage "WHAT THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO FLANDEWRS IS DEAD AND NOW MY AND HIS PLANNED AGREED SPELL CAN'T WORK ANYMORE!"

"Oops..." Alucard said, then turned to Seras, "Seras please promise me that when you're more independant and don't need an Alucard to overshadow you that you will not do the mistake I just did."

"Which is?"

Alucard gave a dramea look. "NOW EVIL ARMY CAN INVADE!"

MEANWHILE IN CAVE

Ten hoolograhms were on jiant stone hands. They where talking bout someting... serket!

"hey. Flanders is ded." Says the leeder shadow. "We could macke an atack on london. BUT WHO WE SEND?"

"SEND ME. I GOD FITER." Says oine with lots of cloths covering face.

"NO JUST NOOOOO! We must test tem first. We don no how strong Al is. Send in jew 2." He ponted to shadoo of bishe guy and gy w/ peercings. "Okay now me and my scedond in comands haz to work on somethig." And his hologam vanished and so did hologrm of guy with odd glasses nd lab coat.

But then the leaders leader came in in hologram from! "hooy I'm cooming ovver and I need al ded oor oolse YOO ALL BE FIRED FOR BAD JOB EH"

Then everyone else lefted! Scarred about theyre leader leaders firing them. wut happens nex? Find out next tim, on Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals episode II: Valemtimes Day!

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><p><strong>Footnotes:<strong>

**A:** Referece to _Bart the General_. I know, I'm editting this so that some of the more unoriginal parts are taken out, but I liked this enough to keep it in. But with some actual credit-giving where credit is due.

**B:** That's a lie. Even back when the first chapter was out, it was rated T.

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><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

**(Note that this was written before I went through and made some changes. I don't have anything new to say, all I did is fix up some spelling errors in this note since I think most of it still applies):** Well, I'm not really that proud of this (like I said, I wanted to publish this ASAP so that a joke starting on chapter three would still be funny), but I did actually enjoy writing a few bits of it, such as the Alucard vs. Anderson fight. And still, I find it to be a little better than that _Ed, Edd n Eddy_ parody I've written.

By the way, I do plan on improving the grammar and spelling in the later chapters. First, because it was a pain to try to both load this with typos and still make it comprehensible, and second, to add a touch of realism to make it look more like a genuine fan fic.


	2. Valemtimes Day

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 2: Valemtimes Day**

**Beginning AN:**

Here it is. The moment nobody's been waiting for. Chapter 2 of this Godawful parody I thought up.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass butler. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER II<strong>

**Note that the rating is T now so the characters can say fuck. I bet Alucard feels like a dumbass for cutting off Flanderson in the last chapter now ha ha ha**

_Part One: The News (Notes this chap will be devited in two cuz it is a litle longer. Also fic rateing now T becauz it get a litle more violet. However the organize is stil caled Hecksing cuz it was Hecksing before in chapter 1.)_

The next mornin after the nite Heavensing was defeeted, Al and Seras and Integra was washing TV and this is what they saw:

_"DIS IS PETTY GOOD SANDWITCH STIMPY! I espesialy like the maynays!" Says Ren._

_"That. _Not. MAYNAYS." Says Simpy. **(Getting Carp Past The Radar!)**

And then Ren got look of crazy, and ANGEr, because ren might be killing everyone all the time and that's the funny of this show.

But then the gang's vewing got cut shorts, wen the Walter Butler ran into rom! He's a new character by the way, so you didn't miss anything from the first chaper. "Hay i saw too guys coming hear i thunk thay mit be bad not saying i know they are bad becuz I DO NOT WORK FOR THEM GOT IT so... you might wanna check it out kay?"

Integra stood up and finally got more serious, even though Alucard and Seras were still lounging back (Seras was not used to the nocturnal life, so she was wake in the day for most of the hours while trying to change sleeping skedule). "GARD THIS PLACE OR ELSE BAD THINGS MIT HAPEN!" then integra got frown of worry.

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><p><em>Part Two They Come Oer<em>

Jean Luc LeMans was takeing walk on way down to hecksing manor.

"Hay wate Luke." said Jan. "we must put mask to fool gards."

And than Luke put on Mario mask, and Jon put on Luwege mask, and they had finality made it to opening gate.

"HALT! WHO GOS THERE?" Says gard.

"It's a me Mario!" Luke says in mario voise.

"O olay." and then gard opend gate, but the Valemtime Bros. (Gettet like Super Smash Bros. Balls?) saw SIGN OF NOT WELCOME!

Yan red it. "No on home hear. Pleez leve." THEN HE TURNED BAK TO LUCE "IT'S BEst we get back home."

Then Al poped from the ruf of the manshon and laffed at them. "Ha ua u faled for trap- i meen oops NOONE HERE IGNORE DIS DIS IS JU HOLOGRAM!"

"Heyt!" Luk shots "That not realy that nise at all you sun of a gun!" And then van puled up, and zombys ran ot! But Al new thay was zoms and not vampirs cuz they had purpul eys and not red. But the zombas ran into the manshin as the bros. Brock the dor open and them and Zombies ran inside!

INSIDE HECK MANAR

Luce was yousing his realy faster super speedo and nifes to be abel to slice open the hecksing gards protecting the place. "IT SURE IS FUN TO KIL STUFF!" he says onse doging fallin blood. "EXCCEPT THE BLOOD I HATE HAFING TO AVOD IT TO KEP MAH AWESOME SUIT CLEAN LIKE BARNY STINSON!" Butt he got blood drop anywa! "Aw... fuge!"

Then his sell fone rang! It was he's bro!

"Hey r u goin to Al's room or No? PLEESE ANSAR!" It was his brohter Jan!

"Aktualy i am in fac goin in ther." And he loked at the gate to Als bedrom, and scary wind floowed out! It was bad but he stil wen in! b/c HE 2 EVIL 2 BE SCARRED.

MEANWHILE WHAT JAN IS DOIN RIT NOW

"IT SURE IS FUN TO KILL STUFF!" Jawn says upon ending fon call, but then dor bust open and revield Walter and the Seras! And Walter said "hello my name is also Angel Of Death Do you wanna no y?" "Uhhhhh... no thnx." And then Walter used chakra strings to cut of Jans left arm! "Uh oh i getter bit outa her!" And he ran while Seres begen taking shots, but he no give dam! He just wanted to leaf!

But wen he went to next door, Integra! "Walcome to Hecksing." She shot him, and he lokd to widow to eccape...

MEANWHILE IN AL CARDS ROM

"Hey Al u awake? I sory for ataking at day but i haz orders."

"I IN BATHROM RIGHT NOW SO WEIGHT JUST FIVE MINUTES."

"O okay." And he amost left!

"Ha ha i trick you again. I'm real hiding behind mah char."

"THAT NOT NICE YOU ASS!" And then Lue turned back and loked at Al like angry. "THAT IT! WE MUST FIT SO THAT NO MORE TRICKS AGAIN! I TIRED W/ YOU!"

But then Al jumped out of char, and grew lots of eyes and turned into very scary looking from!

"Uh oh im starting to thik THIS IS BAD IDEA." And then Luke aktivatered his super spedd and ran off! Then Al "Splitting up huh?" and used his super speed to catch up! Al chaced Luk round the manshon and out the door and don the road. They were so fast, they're feet like Sonic The Edgehog!

but then Luk gt opportunity ot use his nif to see reflecshon and saw Al catching up on him and turning into scary eye form to taunt luke so Look ran realy faster but when he loked back front of him he saw truck! Truck hit luke and made him fell down to rode were Alucard looked at him and laffed. "Ar, there be only won bishie in this fan fic!" And turned into jiant mowth and ate Luke's body.

MEANWHILE BACK INTO JAN

Jan turned to Integra and shouted out "Beare the Minimum!" And lept ou of window and landed 3 floors down. Owch! But then he fond the Milenium's Doctor nammed Dr. The Doctor standing there!

"Hm you perfect for my new exprement. Come with me." So he did!

MEANWHILE BACK TO INTEGRA AFTER THE PART OF THAT PORTION OF THE FIGHT ENDED

"Shut. we lost him." Al ran in "BUT I GOTZ THE OTHER GUY!" aL SAYS.

"Ya but stil." Integra said in serius tone.

Then, Serras ran in! "Grrr whoever this mananium is i swar i will GRIND THEY'RE FACE TO WALL" **(AN This is fefference to wat Sara dos to Zorin in Hellsing Ultimate VII. NOT TO BE CONFUCED WIH FINAL ANTASY VII EVEN IF THEY HAZ SAME #S!)**

Then, Walter ran in! "Bad news eh, the zombies... kiled our gards. And same with Jan and Luke but they didn't as much since Luke was too busy trying to look kool and Jan was doesn't have powers while the zomibes can spread."

"Ho many?"

"all many."

"D'OH!" Integra yells. "We must replacement!"

What next? Toon in text time, where we meat Carl, in chapter the third, Meat Carl!

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><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Eh, this chapter had its ups and downs. It was definitely... shorter than I had thought, but there was still no need to cut any scenes. I liked writing Integra's "D'oh!", even though it wasn't part of the plan until I actually started writing the end of the chapter. And yes, I will be updating every three days until chapter 4.

Welp, with Anderson out of the picure and Jan spared, will this fan fic finally start getting more different? Or will it continue to be the OVAs written badly? Who is Carl, and why is he introduced at the same chapter/OVA that Pip is? How will the plot fair without Iscariot? Is Alucard really "invisable?" Will we see more of Alucard's tank? Is this fan fic a _Hellsing_ parody or a _Total Drama_ fanon parody in disguise? All these questions will be answered, not necessarly on chapter 3, but eventually!

"Jean Luc LeMans" is a reference to this... uh... thing called _Grand Theft Auto: Escanaba_, the main character of which having that name. The _Ren and Stimpy_ thing is a take on a clip in _Simpsons_, which makes it more explicit (in the original, it was simply Ren mistaking Stimpy's collection of furballs and stomach acid as meatball soup). And finally for the references, Alucard and Luke's chase scene? Inspired by _Kung Fu Hustle_.

Alucard meant to say "shoot" when he said "shut," not "shit." Keep that in mind for when/if you read _Hecksing: The Dawn_. Specifically, something towards the end of the... first chapter? Of that?

By the way, for those curious: a "frown of worry" is an open-mouth, teeth-showing frown where the mouth bends like a parabola. Obviously, it is physically impossible to do in real-life, unless you have an oddly shapped tooth arrangement or something.


	3. Meat Carl

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 3: Meat Carl**

**Beginning AN:**

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass martian. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

...And that is all I have to say about this chapter.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER III<strong>

Al narates: "Last toim on Hecksing Ultimit Cronakals:

The Valentime Bros. was ataking the manshon when Serias and Alicard and NEW GUY Walter beat them up. Luke dyed but Jan did noot, because he is the more inresting one. But before he left Jan lost arm **(DIS COMES IMPORTANT LATER ON)** and told the Hecksings about a group nown as "Milenium." BUT WHO IS THEM? AND WTF WIL INTEBRA DO TO REPLACE THE DED GARDS? Find out now, on Hecksing! Ulumate! Crconikals!"

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><p>The Wild Gease was fighting mutants (AN peepol who have been nucleared and by nucular i mean like the simpson), erly in the nit on the same day as Valemtine attack.<p>

"DON STOP SHOTING MAGGOTS THIS IMPORTENT MISHIN!" Said leader Pip B wile oter gease began shoting mutants.

Then someting cammed from ski, and was aiming falling at Oip! "NO SOME FALING ON ME HOW WILL EXCAPE?" Pip locked up to sky and screeming.

And then it cushed him, and the gease saw who it realy was. It spaceship! Then out came door and gren muculer guy waked out (AN he not bishe like Luke or Al but just out n out hot guy HE NOT LIKE GIRL OK!) "Hay who u r?" Said gease.

"My name is Carl Stevens I am rockstar from mars and got stranded her wen i came from vakashon cuz my spaeship ran out of gass. Hay wat u b doin, it looks fun."

"We fighting mutaints we fit all supernatural beings but sinse leder is ded we ned new one. U can b leder if you kil these mutants ok." "ok let me show speshal."

BUT HIS SPECIHAL IS SECRET UNTILL WE SEE HIM FIGHT MILENIUM. SO WE GO TO HECK MANOR.

Integra was looking at Will Gease and Carl. "So ya have the ballz the join us and replace are old guards after vamps ataked us?"

"Vampires?" Said a gease "THAT MAKS NO SENSE! WHTA ARE YA, HI?"

But Carl did think Integra was truth cuz he smart and ready for new stuf no manner how odd it may seem at the begining.

Integra: "O ya? wel here is real vampere!" and Inte poynted to Seras. Seras smild. "Wassup guys!"

Then Carl saw Seras and was all like, "HOLY CARP SHE HAWT!" And his jaw litterally dorped to ground! So then he ran up to her and grabbed boobs. Then he gots the slap! But since Serah was vamp it hurt over 8 thowsand times more! "Ow you hurt."

"ZO MAH GAWD." Says another wild gease. "you musta have vampir!"

"Arr, that be only a weakling. A yong grasshoper." It was Al, who cammed from walls! "EEK" screemed another geese.

Then Walter waked in! "I Googoled Milenium and fond out that they sercret nazi group that I NO PART OF but I also know there holding meating in Brazil." Integra goes "Hm let's send som on" "send me." Waler griined. "Hm no it would be Risk we ned a biger threat to them so that in case they haz trap. let send Al Seras and the new guy Carl. COME ON NOW TOS I JUS SAD, GO BY AL'S TANK!"

Also but Walter looked disponted. FORSHADING!

"Waite how we get to BRAZIL from TANK?" Asked Carlo.

"Yar. There be fire hydrent." Says Alucard.

ON TANK RIDE

While Al was pimping in first class, Sera and Carl wer in economic class together... alone, if you no what i men.

"Hm." say Carl in prevet acsent. "I bet 50 bux i will see u naked in 5 days."

And Seras bulshed, and sad in tsundere aksent, "NO WAY EW PERVERT." And punshed him so hard, he flew all the way to the other sside with the wall and hit it and left Carl shapped hol in it.

"HEY DIS MAH TANK DUN RUIN IT! DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE MATEYS!" Al yelled.

ONCE AT THE BRAZIL AIRPORT

"HEY FOUR DUDES WEHRE IS PASSPORT!" Scramed airport guy. "We Hecksing." Says Al. "Oh u the guys here for fiting the Milenium." So he left. "Wate... FOUR?" Al screamed.

Al and Carl loked back and saw two Seraseses! They saw eachother and jumped back.

"It must be trick by Millennium! I'm real one!" Say left one. "No i real!" say rit on.

"Hm..." Al decidees to interfear, "they be havin same chakra energy! Even I cannot tell them and i made the real one a vamp so i haz link! Carl, it is up to u matey to find out the real young grasshoper!"

Riht one says, "It's me Carl!" Left one says "Yeah Dumass- er... Carl, I correct one!"

Carl goes "hm" and then punches left one. "You cannot rememberer mah name, so you facker." Then purpul letters go over left one, and it turns into redhead chick with leterz over face, who then run away.

Al got fone call from Integra. "You are on right track alright. As what Walter said says, that Zorin, one of Miniums most eleteest forces ever."

"Manium? Gr i new they behind dis!" Sere got ANGRY.

MEANWHILE OUT OF AIRPORT

The Brazil is COLD and was snow like chater 7 of Papar Mario. But there wax still lots of haff nakee chiks wat made Carl go "AOOGAQ!" but Ceres splapped him. god, ca npot a man hav fun? Ther also others preforming, like majishons.

"Wanna see my card triks?" Ask Card Guy, w/ a catboy w/ him. He was one of the majishons, not a pervert that uses card tricks as slange for penis.

"Hey magic man," Says Carl cuz he no about how to ask when for the badguys out there. "Do u by any change no about a group called the Mellinnium?"

"Oh yes and I am in fak a member of them."

"MANIUM?" Seras as "I KILL YOU DED! I WILL UNSCREW YOUR HED AND SHIT DOWN YUOR NECK!" She charged him, but got cut by lotsa cards! "HA HA THAT MY POWER!" said Card Guy.

And then the cat boy leff to repost to Minium. He did this by teleporting from faree dust.

Al sshot. "Arr, everytime i sheet him he blocks with cards! If only there be no no cards!" And then Carl out got gitar...

"WASH MY POWER JERK!" n then Carl shtrung guitar and sonid wave fleww and blew cards away like fan on a car house and then riped whole in Card Guy's chest. "You can eeat the remans Al to power up." "No thnks i rather Sera gets it and don't call me Al." "No i stil don like eating people." "Okay matey, then I'll eat him." And he turned into jiant mowth and eight Card Guy!

MEANWHILE IN MINIUM CAVE

"Hay guys." Cat boy said in hologham. "The Hecksings killed Card Guy."

"ARE DUDE STASHONED IN BRAZIL?!" SAID LEADER "ARGH! WE MUST SEND THE INVASHON! RIIIIP! GET JEW'RE HOT ASS OVER HERE!"

**2 be continuity! Find out about the begining of Invashon: Invashon Part Zero, the Shocking Twist!** Not real Invashon part one cuz its not realy the Hecksing manor inva, it JUST THE BEGINING. Aslo be sure to cach the new How I Met MOTHER tonit!

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><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Three chapters down, one to go. (Out of this "season." There's thirteen chapters total, the first four make up the first season, with the "Invashon" trilogy of 5-7 being the next.) One more chapter and then this won't be updated until November.

And again, I feel this chapter was a little short. I can't say much about the length of future chapters, all I know is that chapters 8 and 9 will be a little bit more lengthy.

Carl is an OC I made. If he shares any similarities to any other OCs, it is purly coincidental. Although if there _are_ similarities to your OC, you should seriously consider tweaking them. While it wasn't intended at first, when writing this I wanted to make Carl into the most unbearable Marty Stu I could think of, borrowing traits from Marty Stus I have seen in other fandoms. (OCs or characters turned self-inserts.) I'd say his "relationship" with Seras puts him here, but we have not seen much else of him.

However, if Carl Stevens _does_ share similarities to a real life celebrity of a person of a similar name, it's not so much of a coincidence. Then again, I myself an wondering if I came too late into the (rather obvious) joke.

Anyway, you heard the "leader." The next chapter is the "zeroth" part of the "Invashon" trilogy (since they technically haven't invaded England yet) and we finally get to see Rip! Only she might be a little... _ahem_ different than you may think... Also, Jan returns!


	4. A Shocking Twist!

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 4: A Shocking Twist!**

**Beginning AN:**

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass cat boy. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER IV<strong>

**Also to note that i found out its IV not IIII! what the heck?**

IN THE CAVE OF THE MILLENNIUM

"RIP VAN WINKLE GET OVER HER." Leader says in hologam form. Rip went over.

"Hey Birch jew look kawaii. ANYWAY REMEMBERE WEHEN I CALED JEW YESTERNIGHT AT END OF CHATER 3 TO GET HEREE IN PARSON?" (Get it like yesterday but night cuz iz the night not day.)

"Yes." She says. "At the death of Tubalcain Alhambra, you decided to make a change of plans and order for a premature attack. But... what was the attack in question, if you could be bothered again sir?"

"Well remem what I told jew idiot. Todnight we begin... our INVASHON OF DETH!"

"Okay!" And then she starteded jumpin up and down, and her DDD cup boobs begin to bounse, macking leader go al 'whoa' for a sec. "Did you get the Nazicopter ready?"

"It is her rit now!"

And then camra zoomed out and showd the cave with jiant hellcopter only red and w/ swastica on it. Also in cave was Docter macking something and ALSO also was Jan.

"Yes I wanter jew to get hecksing to get Al over there, hwere jew will charm Al and get him on our side to kil integra!"

MEANWHILE IN SAME PLACE BUT DIFENT DUDES

"Eh, whats up Doc?" Said Jan in a reference to the Bugs Buny (AN not the blackface one that racist)

"REMEMBER IN CHAP 2 WEHN I SAD I HAD YOU PERFECT YOU NOW EXCREMENT? YA WELL I AM THE FINISHED!" And he held out roboarm!

"Wow coul. So do i get the mishon w/ Rip now?" Jan says.

"NOPE! You suppost to gard dis place."

"ARGH! D:" And for those seeing on ffn this is supposed to be an angry face not a frowning face there is a less than sign after that

"Hay we thought you wil dye at the Hecksings palace." **(AN This refers to the deth of Jon in the OVA the second.)**

"BUT STIL! I WAANA MISHON!" And then worce yet was wen he saw Rip go on the nazi copter, then got an idea. A wonderfil aweful idea. He then put on his best docter disgize and whacked up to rip in copter.

"Unm i got scecond oder and i haz to say to 'I cage my mind, you are unfit for this mison and Jan is better. Go do other nazi stuff instead. Like burning ooks or yelling at crouds'." "Oh! Alright, I'll get off." It was not the Doctor in case you couldn't tell, JAAN WAS THE ONE TALKING!

"GETTING OFF IS DISBEYING ORDERS? I MUST FIRE HER!" Doctor said in another segment, but Rip didn't hear him over the loudness of the nazicopter.

"Hey, I was supposed to go on that mission!"

"U mad?" And thene jan sped of outside the rock on of the Minimum cave and flew his nazicopter out. Rip was stil chasing him but shorty after fell into water outside cave. AND THEN DOC CAME!

"HEY RIP..." he began, but when Rip got oot her white bra and white thong where wet and C thru, making the Doc go all "um..."

"What did you want to talk to me about? You sounded a little... hee hee, angry. Was I... _misbehaving_?" She said in a way that was sexy, maybe by accident, maybe on purpose, Rip had a lot of mysterious. But whether she is a man is made clear by my new design I ope you enjoy.

"Um nevermind."

* * *

><p>MEANWHILE IN THE HECKSING'S MANOR<p>

"HEY GUYS MEREMBER ME FORM BRAZIL?" It was cat buy, who poofed up in faree dust!

Sares gashps. "MALENIUM ARGH!" And ran up to him and jabbed hand thru cat's face, making it skwish in blood. But then the remanes turned to faree dust agan and fromed another cat boy! "YOU CANT KILL ME! I QUANTOM FISICKS!"

"That's Scrodinner, Milenium's mesanger. He cant be kiled and can teleport, so that y he mesanger." Say Walter. "HOW U NO DIS, HM? R U 1 OF THEM?" Seras angered. "NO! I sware I'm not... you bastard." (HA HA FAMILY GUY REFENCE.) "Ok ok mabey i should lissen to him."

"I JUST WANNA LET YOU NO... ONE OF US IS ATAKING AIRCRAP CAREER IN SEA. I _DARE_ YOU TO FIND THEM IF U CAN!" And then he vanshed in faree dust!

"Okay." Say Integra says "Alucard, go out there and stop them!"

"Can I com?" Asks Sere "And if she comming I wanna go to in ordre to try to get close, maybe I can hit on her even more since the dangers of mishions gets her closer to want to cuddle up against me." Say Carl. "Hell I'd rather cuddely to Alucard before _you!_" Said Seras in reply.

"NO! Only Alcard will do. Al, get in ur tank."

* * *

><p>ON THE RAOD WITH THE FIR HIDRENT ARUCARD USSES FOR FLYIN<p>

Al got to hydrent but found it fixed! Oh no! So then he did super cool wheele untill his tank was on back weels and used the jet boosters. It works, and he flew out into the nite.

"Arr, this be my time to shine!"

* * *

><p>NOW WE GET THE THE CAREER<p>

"IT SURE IS FUN TO BE KILING THINGS!" Yell Jan as he kiled eveyone. and then he saw Rip's pantbrush fom the nazicopter and used it to pante a pingas out of the dead pepol's blood. And then he laffed.

And when the helcopters comed in he had made his robo arm shoot out poyson sords at them, killing them! But then the tank flew in, and was inmune to the sords becuz IT WAS A FUJUKING TANK!

Then Al crached in and did a triple back flip out of the atnk. BUT JAN WAS NOT SCARRED.

"That hat and glases macked u look stupid."

"D:" (ffn note again that's angry not sad)

"HAHAHA I NO SCARRED OF YOU!"

"Oh ya? Well, let me sing u a litel song:"

**Alucard:** _I left..._  
><em>First Boss stuck to a pole,<em>  
><em>Robbed Anderson of his soul,<em>  
><em>Made even Luke and Card Guy lose control,<em>  
><em>And now I have you stuck in a hole.<em>  
><em>This is how we will end it!<em>

**Jan:** No!

Jan continyoues, "I can and WILL KILL YOU!"

And then Jan shot sords. But the poison no affect Al! But the sowrds did!

"Ow ow ow hay! Stop it buccanneer! Ok that it, this fight may be harder than i thot percieved. SO I MUST USE TRAP CARD: VAMPIRE STATE 666!"

And he he grew beerd and lost hat and glases & then coffin showed up and lots of zombys came out. A,mong them wa Luke Card Guy Anderson First Boss and Ed from Twylyt. "I killed the Edward not for beeng bad guy witch he is not butt cuz he sucks and is fail vampir."

Jan still laffed untill he saw Luke there! Then he put hands together (like prayer but it wasn't a prayer keeep readnig) and said "I WILL NOT FIGHT BROTHER! I must fight with oner. So in that case..." And then he pussed buton on his robo arm, and the screen on it went all 3... 2... 1... It was countdoun to bom! Al said "OH NOES!" Then his new state went back no more zombys and beerd and he got back hat and glass. But then he saw the bom countdoun!

"I MUST LEF THIS PLACE!" Then he wen in tank but it stalled! "MOOOO!"

Then bomb went off in boom, which was nuke-like and mushroom cloud, blue because it was tinted with powerful holy that could easily kill a vampire and since it's like vampire-nukes even Alucrd may not survive. The bomb was spreadding quickly and split the aircraf in four witch fell into oshen. The exploshon went in Alucard's tank an burned Alucard to death! But the tank survivess...

* * *

><p>BACK AT HECKSING MANOR<p>

Integra had sees this from news and was MAD and SAD AT THE SAME TIME! "No!" She shoted, but that made her bit her sigar and it brock!

"Walter I ned new sigar."

"I cannot give you cigar." Said Walter.

"Why not?"

"BECAUS I AM PART OF THE MANIUM!"

"Double no!"

**END OF SEASON ONE.**

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Well, this chapter was actually a little longer than I thought, even if it is still short.

Anyway, like said near the end, this concludes the beginning portion of _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_. Since Iscariot is out of this story (my alter-ego can't handle writing a three-sided conflict, so he makes the majority of the story about the vampires killing the Nazis. Hey, he's supposed to be around 13.), the "Invashon" trilogy will focus almost completely on Zorin's siege (now with more Rip!). Anyway, a little heads up in that chapter 5 will either be a flashback episode (on how Al became a vampire and met Integra) or really short. BTW, the formatting gets a little better during those chapters!


	5. Invashon Part Oine

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 5: Invashon Part Oine**

**Beginning AN:**

Welp, this begins season two.

...And that's all I really have to say on the matter. Other than that this is the first time I updated a fan fic that was published before another.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass vampire _master_. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER V<strong>

On blimp on same night as Al's death, Zorin Bliss laughfed at distucion the vamper solgers caused after bein unleeshed from the blimp as part of invashon. She was the taking to leader's hologam.

"Ok zorin jew will be sent on mishon to kil Integra, BUT INTEG MAY HAVE BACKUP! So I had the coitus to give jew a partner for mishon."

Then cop hellcopter of London Special Defence came up to blimp. They was three! But then bullet shot them, and the bullet was blue, and it ziggy zagd aaround and shot the two others copter.

"Wate." Zorin sneerd. "Blue bullets... can be moved round... oh no that meens my parter is... shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,"

"That's right! You have the huntress herself, Rip Van Winkle, here to assist in the mission! Together, Zorin, we will be slaying any and all-"

"Go do other nazi stuff instead. Like burning ooks or yelling at crouds. And its Zoren not Zohan."

Rip laffed, but then fowned at bad memorty. "Ha ha! Do you really think I will fall for that again?"

"Yeeeeeeees." Zoren sneered.

Leader's hologam began speeching to them. "Yes Rip is on mishon cux I am mad at her for not going on last one. Rip, jew better hope jew're hot ass jew don't get workd by that again! Or Doc will make jew FIRED FOR REAL! Hopefully and hopefully he will not be distract by your body."

* * *

><p>MEANWHILE AT HECKSING MANSHON<p>

Integra was mad, washing what Scrodinger recorded of Alucard vs Jan. "ARGH those jerkass took out Alucard! And then walter Butler left us!"

"What will do?" Carl asked.

"I must go to New Yolk to find repracement for him. But it may take some time, I don't think too many of them are as good as Alucard Badguy. On the meen time, you two will gard this place in case Milenium attax."

"But they just did some damege tonight with Al? Do they really make another today?" Seras asked.

"Don't be so sure." Carl warned.

So then Integra left and Carl picked up a newspaper.

"Huh. It turs out that that castle over by the Grand Canyon fell down the canyon and there's an unexplained hole in it. Ya know, now that this aircrat is over I can kick-back and go back to the ativity."

"grr... ALUCARD IS DEAD NOW OKAY! HE WILL NOT BE COMNG BACK SO WHY ARE YOU NOT MORNING HIM IN THE SAME WAY I AM?"

"Because I'm not actracted to Alucard? Sorry but I only knew him for like day and you did too for like three or two days I can't remember because I'm such a damn drunk all the time, and like I attracted mentioned, I find you sexy so it would be a crime if you were the dead one."

"YOUR'E GRIEVING WRONG!"

"Nah I'm not. I'm staying happy that you are alive! Like your nice breasts!"

And then he ran up to her and tried grabbing her boobs, but Seras kicked him and he flew back into Integra's char and broke it with the force of the kick. Since Carl was a Martian that did not kill him, but he wasn't a vampire (vampires stronger martians stronger humans) it was now he bled a lot.

"Ok but you got some splaining to do when Integra gets back."

"Urgh! First there was an aextra Alucard, Integra, and Walter, Alucard went in mission and died, Walter left as soon as he said hw was badguy and ran off dissapearing in chakra smoke, and Intgra is on her own mission. IU can't wait until Integra gets back with new membr, the member might not be like you and I won't be stuck along with you anymore."

Little did she know she won't be along BEFORE Integra gets back! Or be alone right now, since the whole fucking Wild Geese was with her right now.

* * *

><p>MEANWHILE AT CAR<p>

Integra got in passenjer seet.

"Hey walter what waite? Drive already!" Then she saw divers seat and noone was in.

"Oops forgot Walter now minium ha ha ha ha ha." Then she got in drivers and drove!

But on her way to areport, Zorin and Rip jumped from the blip and on Tegra's car!

"Feeze sucka! Or I sithe you to deth!" Zorin sneered.

"No!" And interga got out a gun and tryed to shoot the asalent. She got jummped off of car befor shot, and rip was thrown off to after a sick turning. Integra got on parking lot and was soon in airport airplan on way to NYC.

"Carp, we falled." Zorin sneered.

Rip begen entring blimp. "Well, if we failed at killing Integra, should we instead assault the Hellsing manor?"

"It is Hecksing." Zorin sneered. "AND DO U MEN LIKE EXACTLY WHAT THE VALTIME BROS DID 3 CHAPTERS AGO?"

"Yes. Integra and her demon may be gone, but her worthless guards are still there. We kill them now, and the war will be ours once Integra gets back!"

Zorin hmed. "Hm. Ok wel do it. Even if it sonds a little... REPEATITIVE!"

They both got on blimp, but not before evilly ginning.

* * *

><p>Integra was plan. Thinkin of past. No longer the not-far-past of bein attacked by redhead with letters, and a big FF cup chessed bluehead whereing nothing but white bra and thong. SHE WAS THINKING BOOT THE PAST PAST, WHEN ALUCARD AND SHE MET!<p>

* * *

><p><strong>(Flashblack)<strong>

Al was on his birthday thirteen. But his brother wanted to manhood him at this age!

"hey broo it's tyme to livve oop too yoor famly name and BECOME BADGUY, eh" His brothr, Bro, has the hidden by shadows, as we are NOT supposed to see him until chapter 12!

"NO I NO WANNA, MATEY! I NO WANNA BE BAD! I WANNA BE GOOD!"

"u wwant good guy **al**? i cann'oot the let it the happen!" And then he punchd him clear across planet! Al was flew form his home in America all over to the United Kingdoms of Lonon.

Then he got fone call!

"hey Im bein the bad gooy wwhether if yoo wwant or not so I'll start WWORLD WWAR I!" The nAlucard's fone exploded from his bros sciense powwer, leffing him stranded!

Then World War the first went into play, and evil vampires zombys and wherewolfs came out of hell and whrecked the good guys! Al went into hiding till he turned whatever the hell ageist he is now, and walked the earth for rvenge.

"I WILL VENGE YOU BRO!" Al shooted to skaia. But how will he do the revengence? He knows! Turn himself into vampire! So Al waked into vampire turning bilding were a guy turns u for free!

"I'm sorry, I can't turn the u." Says Dracula.

"Why not?" Al.

"BECAUSE WE A BOTH GUYS! ONLY FEMALE TURN MALE AND MALE TURN FEMALE! AND MY FEMALE TURNER IS DEATH FROM WWI SO SHE CAN'T JOIN UNTIL LIKE EVER!"

"Oh fiddlesticks."

"Sowwy bro. Find a vampew chick to tuwn u." BTW Drac spoke like Elmer FLUDD.

So then Al kept wantering, but when he waked out of turning bilding, WWI ended! But WWII: Revenge of the Nazis has been published instead!

"Oh so wars over. BUT THERE'S A SEQUEL? SON OF A FUCK!" (**AN:** This was mah reakshon to new Twilit aha aha aha aha aha!)

So he waked untill he ran into Rip! (Litlarly they both hit and fell)

"Oh hey you look like vamper. Are you?"

"Yes."

"Hey can u turn me?"

She shrugged her sholgers, and so bit him. Then Al transformed and began his run to revenges!

"Revenge!" Lucard shouted. But then he ran into nother girl! (Agan litlarly)

"Who are you?"

"Hey their. My name is Integra Heck. I am thiking of starting organize to stop all vampires, and zombies, and wherewolfs. Well only the bad ones at least, you're one since I overherd and you're good. Can to join?"

"Hm Heck I like theat last name. It can be cachy. I can UNLEESH HECK on badguys!"

"Oh. U never the told me _your_ name."

"The reson why i sed my last sentence with badguy is cause my name is Alucard Badguy, and I AM WANT TO PUT END TO MY FAMLY'S TRADITION!"

* * *

><p><strong>Major, Captan, Dok, Scrodumer, Card Guy, Rip, Zoren, Jan, Luke, and Waloter prezents: THE MISEDVENTERS OF AN AVRAGE FAMLY!<strong>

Starting Majo as the mom (crosedressing). Doc as dad. Catboy (AN it hard to write name so I just call ihm that from now on) as the son. Captan as the cool uncole. EVERYOEN ELSE is naybor gests!

NOTE: geusts aare not here some of them are away on... somplace or DED.

"HI THAR EVERYBODY GESS WAT THE GOOD FITER BOT HOME? IT IS An awsum bu t dum and bad at same tyme so i wanna have good lookings at it befour u guys desides." Sed coll uncole (Captan).

"DID JEW BRING IN DOG SHIT AGAIN AND CLAM TO TEST IT FOR WHEREWOLF DROPPINGS?" seid Major, crosedressing as woman to play mom. "BECAUSE MY HUSBAND TESTED YOUR LAST TWO LAB-WISE AND FOUN THAT IT WAQSN'T LAB LIKE LABORTORY EXPERIMENT WHICH WEREWOLDFS MIGHT BE IT WAS LAB BLIKE ORDINARY DOG SO THAT'S THE JOKE! ALSO WEREWOLFS DON'T EXIST, AND THE FACT THAT I SAID THAT IS PROVES THAT WE NOR OUR ACTORS KNOW ABOUT WEREWOLVES!"

"NO! WORCE! SATH MAC FARLAND!" cooluncole (Captain) was rit. IT WAS SPESHAL GEST STAR ASSTON KUTCHER AS THE MAKER OF FAMALY GUY!

"OH NOEZ!" screamed Major, who was in a pink dress as mom. "DOUBOL KILL HIM!"

And then the famaly got out chansaws, and saw'd him to bits. (HAHAHA! Those wackey natzies!)

Remembre: If you lik FG, **you have no sole! (REAL AN: I do not actually support this message. I don't really like FG myself anymore. I've kind of stopped watching it.)**

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

And so, the second season begins...

Anyway, it will consist entirely of the "Invashon" trilogy. Based on its name, I bet you can guess how long this will be.


	6. Invashon Part Deux

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 6: Invashon Part Deux**

**Beginning AN:**

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass mutant. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER VI<strong>

After integra was done flashblacking she went down to nyc and was shocked at what she saw when she the left airplane.

Jiant mutaint Homer Simpson was attacking the place (cuz Spinfeeld is clos to NYC theyre both in New York), and there was noone to help! But instead of crying and leafing, Integra got anti-vampere gun and did a triple backflip out of airport and weighted for the Homer to arive.

"RAWR!" scammed Homer. "I AM GOING TO EET YOURE BRANS!"

But Integea wasn't scarred, and shot him! But bullet no work!

"Ooops forgot that this gun only works on VAMPS not MUTANS."

And then the Homer Moster wass about to make Integra Soup but he quickly got quickly killed by mistery person!

"Hey thanks whoever you are. I want YOU to join Hecksing!" Integra smiled happily.

* * *

><p>BACK AT INVASHON TRILOGY:<p>

The blimp was getin closer to Hecksing manor, but not before being shot a zillon times by yellow bullets and colorfull sonic waves!

"Ah..." said the holograhm of the leader. "These must be the resit force left from Integra. Sera na dCarl. ELIMINATE THEM!"

"Shud we take our vamper solgers with us?" Zorin asked.

"No, only take 666 of them. The rest shall go bout in city and destroy the citisensn, BUT WHEN SON COMES UP THEY WILL BE SOON KILLED, SO NO EVIDENSE THAT WE WAS EVERE HERE! IT PERFECT PLAN!"

Then other ologram showed up.

"WY DON'Y YOU SEND ME I AM A GOD FITER? :("

"Shut up The Captan."

"Aw alrite." Then other hologram had the vanishes!

"So what r jew wating for GO GO GO!" Then he vanihsed aswell!

"Can we realy take up the mishon?" Zorin sneered.

"We'll win! Because I have 'win' in my name!" Said Rip Van **Win**kle.

"Okay but firt wat gun is that."

"Oh, this?" She held up usless pease of shit musket. "This is my trademark musket! Its bullets-"

"Punsh all without discrimination yea yea. Point is it is a PEASE OF SHIT. Here youse this machine gun instead."

And then the blimp was ataked, by yellow bullets and colored sonic waves. It was Carl and Seras, and they was the PISSED OFF.

After crashiong down, one of the solgers had wanted to cross to manor.

"HEY THE MANOPR IS KINDA CLOSE LET ME JUST CROSS THIS LAWN."

But then he did just blow up? 665 left!

"Minefeld!" Zorin sneered.

* * *

><p>It had at first soomed that Seras and Carl had been winning at they're mishin. But after blimp sunk, vamperes Nazis was using nifes to cross minefeld!<p>

"Oh crap they will be get here soon." Carl sed smartley. "That minefeld is only ONE YARD."

"Grr I can't not wait to FUCKING KILL THEM!" Sereas shouted.

"Why? Is it revenge for Alucard?"

"No, it's... badguys."

Taerful music started playing.

"You see, like Alucard, I also wanted to stop badguys. That's why I related to him... and why his death was such a heartbrak when I only knew him for three days. He had a smiliar need to stop the villans, and bring truth to justice! And fight for good gusy! Maybe Integra can tell me more about why he did it, but I did it since... somone killed my mom."

"Yeah yaeh, 'alucard was a good guy' and everything, but still man, let's kick they're asses already and wr fight. And maybe after I can see your hot body."

"Grr... you don't understand! Mabey you were a bad guy yourself!"

"Bad guy? Like, as in Alucard Badguy? The name? I don't know much about his family, but man does that guy dress like a pace of shit. I'd hate to live with an accosiation of him."

"Grr... I'll try to be a better person, but BOY DO I HAVE ANGRY! SO I'LL TAKE IT OUT ON THEM!"

She fired one of the mines (Integra gave them both a map before leaving) and it blew up, which kocked one of the slgers on his as as the explosion felled him over off the knive from the shock. Seras loocked down from biculars.

"From twhat I see, the men are all the onss that are solgers, and the leaders are the only two women there. I can tell this, the one with rd hair is blowing on a whissel, and the one with blue hair is called 'man i can't beleve this fuckwad idiot is considered army trooope leeder slash first lutenant' by the orange hair. SO LET'S ROLL!"

"YOU THINK YOU CAN ROLL!" Zorin can hear Seras with super ears! And seh'll talk back, with SUPER MOUTH! "IT'S TME TO GET SEROUS! **LET'S** ROLL, AND THE BOLD IS STO SHOW THAT I MEAN MY ROLL, AND NOT YOUR PUNY POWER ROLL!"

* * *

><p>But then purple letterzz got on Zorin, and she turned jiant like the Homer Simpson mutant earleer in the chapter! And then she had begining to KILL Seras Carl and the Geese!<p>

"Oh no this is NOT REAL!" Carl said. But then he got smarting idea... "Hm... isn't reel... that merindes me of somethig..."

Then he got his Inception top, and spun it. BUT THE TOP DID NOT FALL!

"Oh noez! This is drem!"

And then he sonic waved to Zorin's direcshon, making her force to jump out of way and cansel illushon!

"Aha aha ah I OUTSMERTED YOU!"

"grr." Zorin said from far away. "We will se about that! By the way, my parter Rip is on her way so yea."

Then blue bullets brock thru, but it was lots b/c machine gun Zorin handled rip earler this chapoter (remmber?) was firing lots at once. And then they kill half Wild Geese!

are you next?

are you next?

**ARE YOU NEXT?**

"Oh carp." Carl said. "Seres, we must split 2. Me with the other half of Geese that are not ded, you yourself. sorry about being self'd. But first... kiss?"

"Fuck no fuck u prevet!" Seras said in tsundere aksent.

But still, they then split sccordingly and went down the halls, and it tricked Rip! But not Zorin!

"Ha ha ha they think they can shit up!" She sneerd. "We will split up also, me with half the vampers you with other half, and we will take them down like with Ranging Bloyster in Pikmin!"

Rip laffed evily.

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

This is probably the shortest chapter yet, and possibly the shortest chapter that will ever be published in the fan fic. Again, Iscariot isn't involved here, so shortening up the "canon-based" chapters are a given.

And again, things will get more original. Just wait...

EDIT A LONG TIME IN THE MAKING: Heh, this isn't the shortest chapter after all. Disregard.


	7. Invashon Part Tree

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 7: Invashon Part Tree**

**Beginning AN:**

This concludes the invasion trilogy. And again, not much else to say on the matter. In fact, the alter-ego's AN has more to say than this...

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass burgular. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER VII<strong>

**RATING NOTISE: Thi chaper is rater... TV-15, or rather FF-15, since there is mroe voilence and the characters say fuck more often, aparantly the more it's said the higher it's rated so if Shrek says it ernough times it can go from G to NC-17 but that would mean oger boobies so ew nevermine.**

**(Rating noticed added in the first place cuz this capter is a little more on the blood violet side)**

It has been exacly ZERO SECONDS since the last chapter had been overed with!

"Oh fudge!" Carl scramed with much pan at the deths of half of Geese.

"Grrr I knew you was the bad guys! Now you relly did it!" Seras sed, but in a idffent part of manshon.

"aha aha aha you cannot the escape!" Zorin sneered staking Carl's path while Rip took after Seras.

She proseed to kill all the rest of Geese using power of letters to enter minds and Inception and methafor them to deth!

When all but one Geese was left, we saw such example of being metafored.

"OMG IS THIS BE MY HOUSE?" Asked the second to last Geese behind Carl as he loked round, while bein metafored.

"NO ITS NOT SUCKER!" Zorin sneered before trans-Inception slashing him, thus metaforing him to deth!

"EEEEK I thik I might get the fooled to and be metafored until i die!" Carl screamed like little pussy.

"HE HE HE" Zorin sneered. Then she put arm with simbols on him, and then the simbols turns purple as Zorin was watshing his memorys lik TV.

"Hm this loks like good tortoure channel to END THE INFUFFERABLE EDIOT!"

Then Zorin was all like "Wate. Wate. WATE."

Then she jumped back, and unmetafored him!

"ARGH!" Zoorin cries, "Too much sex! Don jut turn off tv UNPLUG THIS BICH!" She then left, running away in terror, but not before one purple letter snuck on Carlsholder and give a mini inception. Suddenly, Carl at fancy date restrant!

* * *

><p><strong>Seras.<strong>

Seras was never ever doing any better, becuz Rip was really owning her! SShe beet her up, and oh it was terrible! She beet her worse than Eddy's brother did to Eddy at _Ed Edd n Eddy Big Picture Show_! There was so much blood, more than Carl's hall, that it was litry raining down! But it got her cloths see-through again, like in the the chapter four.

"Ha ha I see through clothes" Seras laffed, even though she was just taking corpse at this pont.

Rip sihed. "Urgh! That has got to be the second time this night!"

But while rip was distracted, Seras kicked her in her J cups!

"Ow!"

"Ha ha! The clos ruse was a...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

INCEPTION!"

But instead of fight Seras Vicria ran away like sped of light only not littry cuz Luke was only char with super speed (um and Alucard for plot reasons but eh's dead), cuz THIS ISNT MOTHERFUCKING TWILIT!

Rip recovered from assalt on her DD cups. "Shoot, she got away!"

But then evil oragnaizashon speshal fone ranging, so she ansered!

"Hey rip can you i n33d you?" It was Zorin!

"Not now. I'm trying to kill the blonde vampire and she ran away. I need to locate her and finish the job, before the uses her so-called hidden inner potential. The Leader gave me very specific orders to treat Seras as much of a threat as Alucard or Integra. He also said to treat Carl as a threat but... he's _Carl_-"

"BUT THIS IS MUY IMPORTANTE!"

"Argh, what is it?"

"100k I metaformed Carl and now he on date. But i need a person for him to go on date with. COULD YOU BE THE DATER?"

"All right. That pervert is more annoying than the girl, so-"

"JUST DO IT!"

Rip gets pissed whenever a Zorin trys to call. Alywas bugging and fussin and meddling. Like those medling kids from Scoody boo. AND NOW PEPLE ARE INCEPTIONING HER? WHAT THE HOW?

* * *

><p><strong>Carl.<strong>

"ARGH WHEN WILL I GET A LAID DATE?" Carl asked getting furry?

"Hey there, sorry I'm late." Rip had pulled into.

"Hm... you not this blone I once knew at once. But oh well, you will do... And by do, I do meen you no what i men right, since I'll bang anybody?"

"Yes." Rip laughfed, but did not relly meen it. Carl was a sure jerkass, was he not!

"This is a pretty fun date, u the no?" Carl had began before grabing and squeezing her massive F cup _boobies_.

Rip was getting VERY impashent.

* * *

><p><strong>Seras.<strong>

Seras had just escapped hall the first and was waking to hall the second where Carl lies. He looked like he had been metafored by a wild Zorin!

"Grr... manium!" She cried. Carl nor Rip did not heer, but the Zorin did!

"Heh eh." She sneered.

"Grr..."

"Enough! You cannot DO anything as you lost both eyes, arms, legs, all teeth, and even had hart pulled out and lost a lot i mean a LOT of blood. You got them all riped out. Do you know why they named her **Rip** Van Winkle? Cuz when she born she riped paper with her own hands. **Steel Paper.** So Yeah, I Do Think That You Are Deeling Wit An Very Pow Person. fool. NOW STAND STILL WHILE I METAFOR YOU!"

"No!"

Then she went in _her_ mems and tried to Inception metafor, and then Seras flashted backwards to when criminals was ataxing house!

"Dont move or ill shoot!" Said crook in flackback "I know I'm just pointing my iphone at you but there's an app for that so if I hold it like this and say 'bang' then you're dead!"

"How do we no for fac that the guns in the ipon, and that you're not lying?" Said Seras Mom.

"DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE CHANGE?" Crook gave evil look. "BECIDES WHY WOULD I HAND OUT MY IPON IF YOU STEAL IT AWAY THAT GIVES YOU A FRE IPOD AND NO DEATH WHICH I WILL MAKE."

"Well for one an ipod is a pease of shit and..." but she saw the crimin loook very angry and so isntead "RUN SERIAS RUN!" Sed Seras Mom.

So then Seras ran oer to new house, and lived with adopted family, but they was jerks! They liked books over TV and they wouldn't let her have desert unless it was once a month but this is not related to her womanhood because that would be gross they just looked at the food piramed and thout "hrm sweets only monthly," and that also included other sweet foods like hot dogs and .

Some yeers later, same crook came back cuz Seras was taking lots of riches when run!

"Ha ha now gun is now ordered directly live." He sed, dropping gun on floor.

"DO NOT ACVATE IT!" Seras scrammed.

Then gun shot and killed all two of her adop parents. Then Seras TOOK SOME REVENGE on him.

Even tho Seras came orphan, she was one day from turning adulthook at 18. So she went to bed and began new life, where she wold at some age become a cop car and get caut up in that forest attack at the begining of first chapter with Al. "BUT AL IS DED!" Seras realised, before the mataphor got up to Flanders.

"THIS IS JUST A METAFOR INCEPTION!" And then she kicked Zorin just before Zorin cut her into two and into Seras Soup, and she continues moving to Carl to snap him out of HIS metafor Inception.

"Carl this just metafor Inception that blue hair with see thru bra and thong is aktually a NAZI VAMPIRE DEMOND QUEEN!"

"**OH CRAP.**" Carl said with much frite! In date, he was al "HOLD ON DATE, LET ME CHECK INCEPTION TOP!"

Top did not fall!

Carl got really mad, yelled "DAMMIT I THOUGHT YOU LOVE ME!" and kicked Rip down.

"Now what?" He asked. "These are way two srong a vampir for us to be handling!"

"Let me bite you." Seras sed. "I can turn uou vampir and get stronger upgrade from blood."

"Okay."

Then she bit, and regrew everything! Then Carl also got upgrade, because since that was a bite it made him into a vampire! Just a Mars one!

"UH OH! WE BETTER RUN LIKE LUKE, CUZ SERA IS NOW LIKE AL!" Zorin sed. Rip, on the other hand, had a diffent idea.

"Hold it right there."

She then **Rip**ed off her outfit, reveling cannon suit! And she was holling her machine gun as well!

"That's the Miniums secret wepon." Seras explans, now using her sudden nolege. Um she got this from reading Zorin's mind by reversing the inceptaioning that Zorin tried on her. "She was sent on very speshal mishon to charm Alucard. Being upset at failings, LEader sent her on THIS Mishon INSTEAD!"

"That's right. And I've come here to end you and everything Hellsing stands for."

But then, using blue bullet powers to do it with one bullet, she shot 2 of the last 3 solgers left in bilding! The bad solgers not the Wild geese, those were dead so you didn't have to worr about Rip's killing them.

"Dammit!" She sed with tsundere angre. "Falling in love with you wasn't part of the plan."

Carl got prevet grin.

"Wanna have _sex_ with me?" Carl sed.

Seras slpapped him. "HEY DONT FORGET BOUT ME!"

Carl got bigger grin.

"Can I join and make it foursome?" Zorin asked.

"Aw heeeeeeeell yeah."

"CAN I JOIN?" Sed Nazi solger. But Zorin sliced him in half with sithe, cuz she and rip are now good.

* * *

><p><strong>Foursome censored this is violent enoff i don't want it to go to M rating from T i men this was supposed to be K PLUS for kids for fucks sake!<strong>

In bed, all four smocking.

"Damn, that was good." Rip sad. But then they saw Cat Boy standing by door!

"Hey leeder gave me this massage to Rip and Zorin; YOU'RE FIRE!"

"Noooooooo!" Zorin said.

Then he poofed in faree dust. BUT THEN...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN IN MY BER MOTHERFUCKERS?"

It was... Integra!

**END OF SEASON TWO.**

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Not much to say other than that, again, this concludes season two. Unless I decide to make chapters eight and nine part of it... EDIT: And I didn't.


	8. Adultnap and Rescu

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 8: Adultnap and Rescu**

**Beginning AN:**

After the longest span of time between updates (two entire months, rather than just one), I have finally brought this fan fic back from the grave, only to upload two chapters before putting it back again from another month.

Don't worry, even though season 3 is only two chapters long, they (or at least the first one) are quite lengthy chapters, as the size of your scroll bar on this page may indicate.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass werewolf. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER VIII<strong>

It was the ZERO SECONDS since chapter 7 ended. (again zero seconds joke.)

"Well?" Intega askes suspishosly.

Carl grinned. "We just having SEX!"

"WIHT THE EMENY?" Integra raged. "Listen Carl, I may like you, but if you keep FUCKING UP i will fire you to the out of job!"

She ten turned to the rest. "Now get to the bed and sleap. We ned to no about the Milenium for next misson. O and btw, you too girls" She pontyes at Rip and Zoren. "Are now part of the Hecksing. Welcome to Hecksing!"

"BUT WAT BOUT THE MILLONIUM'S VAMPERS?" Seras asked. "CUZ I CAN LEEP OUT RIT NOW AND TEAR THERE SPINIES OUT THER ASS!"

"No. that just a distaction. get to sleap, AND FOR THE LOVE OF MY GOD NOT ON MY BED! IN SERES KOFFIN!"

So they ran to Serases room! (Naked!)

Then Intergra flipped off the covers and saw that ther was semen on it "Aw gros!" And the seaman spelled out... HECKSING which turned into the title above (like w/ blood in the OVAS)

* * *

><p><strong>(Coffin)<strong>

THE NEXT DATY, it was almost sunset. Integra got out the 4 from Serass cofin and they were crammed and naked.

"THIS IS THE WORST SLEAP I HAD HAVE!" Carl bitched.

Integra had no tolorencio for this bullcrap. "I was up all DAY (get dit vampires are nocternal and not dayternil?) adn went through the pockets of Rips cannon suit and fond THIS!" She then showed ther Hecksings a papper, and the camra closed in on it to show da plan!

Integra read off it. "MILLENNIUM ARE GO TO KIDNAP THE PRESEDENT OF THE UNITED KINGDOMS OF LONDNO... MAYOR QUIMBY!"

Carl looked undispleased. "Rip? You no about this?"

Rip bloshed. "Oh yeah. The Captain and I were supposed to go on this secret mission. It involved time travel and other confusing stuff. But when I saw your hot body, I just... forgot about the entire deal."

Zoren was, "H0W C0ME I N0 KN0W 0F THIS?"

Rip was, "Sorry. It's so secret that only I, the Captain, and our leader know of it."

Integra was not the one to back off freom job. "Well Carl, i think you should go on the mishon to try to reddeem yourself for bein a thoutless perv. I meen, what if Rip and Zorien just kiled you rigthe there?"

Rip shurgged. "It's true."

Then there was somon behind Intergra! It looked like the Master Cheff from Halo 3!

"This is the Masta Chef from Halo 2." Said Integra. "I hierd him as reproducment of Alucard in my trip to NYC. He hired atfer killin Jiant Myutant Homero Simpson-kun. NOW GET TO MISSIN OR I WIL FIRE YOU!"

Cheef locked at the rest of the Hecksings. "Four vampires? 3 of them hot chiks? This is gonna be SWEAT!"

* * *

><p><strong>(At the fansy town meeting playce)<strong>

Limo drived up to red carpet. Carl and Quimby was in back seet (but not doing sexuel aktivity I no homophobe (i mayde flanders and anderson gay afterall) but CARL IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!)

"Hi um im your bodygard for the awards cuz a evil groop called the Mollennium is atempt to kidnap you before during or after you give this important speech."

"em a um, HOT DAM THAT SONDS DANGEROS!" He wasaid in curropt accent.

Carl nodded. "Yep. Its like they sed in _Family Guy_, with grate power comes the grate responsibiblity." Carl was also a littel smart.

"em a um, wow i never new being the presedent is so much stress!"

"Hey though, by my ecalcuations, you must be getting a lot of laid."

"er a um, sorry no, i am but a virgin still. er a um, :("

"Aw come on! That's no way to have a job! the first thing I did with my job as a rockstar was... well, let's just say that it kept me from being inceptioned! And less than a week ago I juoined Hecksing, a day ago I stole three people's virginity! Trust me, a job and the sex at the job can save you."

"er a um, you're right. er a um, now i feel better and can do my job!"

"Ok let me get out to check for snipers. Except since the plan wan't to kill you, they could be having transquilizers. I have to be prepared after all, that's wy they say I'm smart. Also I'm familiar with things that make you pass out since I am a big druggeo."

Then Carl camed out, but the door was otto-closed!

"er a um, WAT THE FUCK IS THE MEAN OF THIS?" Qimby ragerd.

"HALLO THERE MY NAM IS THE CAPTAN AND I AM A PART OF THE MILENNIUMM I WAS ZUMMONED BY THE LEEDER TO KIDNAP YU AS A MISHON AND WELL DO BAD STUFF SO THIS MIT HURT OK BUT ALONGWITH ME R MY PARTER FOR NOW NAMMED WALTER. RIP WAS AT ONE POYNTE MY PARTER BUT SHE TURNED TO THE OTHER GAIS THEY NOW GOOD BUT WE BAD AND NOW THAT GOODGUY IS GONE WE CAN RELLY SCREW U OVER SORRY BU T THE EXPERIENSE IS NOT GONNA BE GOOD. :("

"er a um, fuck. er a um, YOU PEEPOL ARE NOT GOING TO COITUS ME R U?"

Walter was in the dirvers seat, wile Captan in passengers! "Ew no... by the way for those curious like George this is the partner list: Jan and Luke the brothers, Card Guy and Card Boy the other ones left, Riup and Zorin are the only women, and Captain and I sinec he trains me in fighting... smehow and I guide him to the smarts, but this is a hard thing to do, and the last two who are secrets are leaders. The main man and righ-hand. It's like Akatstki from Naruto in the pairs of teams, and by the way Captain was originaly with Rip before we - Zorin and me - were both hired, and thought sicne Rip was acting dumber now for some reason and Captain was already dum, this would be for the worse if the idiots were in a team, so we needed saners to watch over them."

Then car limo drove off, and Carl was chase to cach up! "No! I was almost got fired! I dont wanna loze job alreddy!"

in the ccar, Captain and Walter was talcking.

"So whats the planer?" Walter butler assked. "I not here for the meeting with you rip and leeder so i no know."

"THIS IS RELLY A TIM CAR. WE MUST CACH THE LITNING TO GO BACK IN TIME WITH IT AND INTO THE WORLD WAR DOS, WERE WE DECRAPITATE THE PRESIDENT AND GET ALL THE GOODGUYS TO SHURRENDER BY SHOWING THEM THE HED OF PRESEDENT! THEN IN THE FUTURE WHITCH I GESS IS THE NOW TIME IN PRESENT RITE HERE RIT NOW WE WILL BE WORLD TAKEN OVER AT NAZI LAND! THAN NO ALUCARD OR HECKSING EXIST SO WE CAN HAVE NO MILENIUM DETHS AND CARD GUY AND RIP AND LUEK ARE BACK WITH US AND WE CAN PLAY STRIP POKER LIKE WE ALWAYS DO. :) BUT YAN WILL BE THERE AND THAT IS BAD SENSE HE IS A BIT OF A PRICK. :( ZORIN TOO SHE'S MEAN. :("

But Carl got out his gitar and sonic waved the a car tyre so it was flat and the car missed the lightning! So Captain got out, bit quimby's sides, and was the turn in wolf that Walter was riding on! And then we flew to the Millennium's hideout!

"ARGH!" Then he notisxed someone with a scooter. And nocked him off it.

"HAY! THAT NOT NICE!"

"Sorry," Said the Carling, "Im part of Hecksing and I do this to SAVE TEH PRESEDENT!"

"o ok then."

* * *

><p><strong>(Hecksing Manor)<strong>

Integra was back at Seras coffin.

"GAYS I NEED YOU CARL FUCKED AUP AGAIN can you go there to the milenniums hideaway im sure Zoran and Rip will lead you there Also but Master Cheef is joining you." Integra saided.

They aggreed. Nodding in head.

"COOL!" MC cried, "THERE GET SOME NEW BLOOD WITH ME... AND SOME NEW MEAT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I ALREADY LOVE THIS JOB!"

* * *

><p><strong>(Captain n Walter)<strong>

Captan was fling with Walter on his back and Quimby in mowth.

"sey," Says the Captan (HE NO TOCK IN CAPS RIGHT NOW?) "What makks you wy want to become president if all the response you will ned to do the job?"

"er a um, I COULD GET LAID AND PAID AT THE SAME TIME IMAGEN THAT! er a um, FUCK YEAR THAT RIMES AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT TOO!"

"WELL I THICK THAT THAT IS A BAD REESON AND A LITTEL SEXIEST AND-"

Walter then gotten a new plan. "Hay, stop it. You no wanna talk wileist the president is in moth or elce you mit drop him."

"O OK GOOD IDEA MAN."

Walter laffed to himself that he can shtu teh captan up.

* * *

><p><strong>(In Font Of the hide!)<strong>

Carl steped down into the Grand Cannon were his folowings of Captan told him to be. He then he went doun into it until he got to a rivir at the bottem.

He hid behinde a rock sticking out cuz he haz the stelth skills Nd saw the milenium go to a BIG rock with a sin saying "Go away. Ther nothin here." and they both did Naruto handsins.

"ROCK MOVE NO JUTSU!" Both Captan and Walter scrammed.

Then the BICK rock with the sine on it moved up, and the 2 walked in. Captain went back to humen form. When they inned the cave, hologam of leader waaz there.

"how it go?" He asking.

Walter laffed. "Ha ha ha i told them i no Millennium AND THEY BELIFFED ME!"

"AND I THE GOD FITER AS EVAR BEFORE BUT UM CAN YOU TRY TO GET RIP BACK IN DIS PLASE AGAN I RELLY RELLY MISS HER EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY A DAY SENCE SHE LEFFT. ):("

Leedergram laffed. "Exsilent. Doc, Catboy and I are attempt to make a AWSOME preoject after this mishon. It planned to be last, CUZ IF WE SUCKCEED, THE WORLD IS ARES!"

Carl gasped! But not without losing his hiddin sense he is acros the river he can keep a good hear from his good eers and can stil hid very wello even in shcok.

Walter was then the notise. "Wate Wate Wate. Captain, what the hell is that smily?"

"IT IS A HYPERBOLA FROWN IT MENS I AM EXTRA SAD."

They got in (Captan carrieing Quimby). Carl try to run in, but the rock fell!

"Aw fuck, now i fire for shure!"

But tehn he herda familar, lovliey voyse...

"Argh! Dammit, that's the second time I feel into this river this week, and the third time that these clothes became wet and see-through! Great Pikmin Fan!"

"Rip?" Carl truned.

"Yes?"

"What you doing her?"

"Oh. Seras, Zorin, the Master Chief, and I were assigned to join you in this mission in case you fail. I... I thought Integra's orders underestimated you a little, personally."

"Well the open just clozed up on my and i wanna go in to SAVE THE PRESIDINT!"

"Actually, getting in is quite easy. All you have to do is a simple ninjutsu technique. Here, I'll show you-"

"No thnx rip babe. I know it cuz i sawcopyd it."

Then the five team of them had linned up, and Carl did the jutsu? WART THEY SAW INSIDE WAS SHOCK!

* * *

><p><strong>(In hideout)<strong>

A WHILE BEFFOR THAT, Captan droped Mayor Quimby for the Walter Butler to take (and Walter said, "Geez thnx for the leaving me with him")

Hologram of leder said, "GUIS TAKE A HAITUS FROM WORK ON THE ULUMATE WEPON ND COME HERE FOR THE EXPERMENT OF PLAN B WHER WE take out mayors blood and use it as valuble wepon! NOW WERES THE CAPTAIN?"

Bu tthe Captan was lookin for musik to danse to! On the radio!

"NO! WHITE SONG! I NO LIKE WITE MUSIC!" He changed it. "NO NOT MOAR WITE MUSIC!" Thren he tuned it to _Family Affair_ (2001) plays!

"A. THAT MUCH BETTERER! :)" Then he dansed!

"HAY!" screemed leedersprite. "CAPTAIN,. GET THE HELL BACK HER! THIS IS IMPORTANTT! WE DONT HAEV LESS TIME SINCE LUKE, CARDGUY, JAN ARE DED AND RIP ND ZORIN ARE NOT IN ANYMORE!"

"O OK BUT CAN I LISSEN TO THIS ON MY IPOD?"

"Shur."

":)"

And then the Hecksings came! But it was two late,, Milenum had alreddy made a giant stoner hand which Quimby was on palm, and the everyon else (holograms or reel) was on the fingers. And there was beem of light on Quimby the President Major, draning blood from him and movin it to Walter! Walter had hansines and sad, "CHAKRA STRINGS NO JUTSU!" Then his strings linkes to the blood from Mayor!

"Hay!" Shoted Cral.

Captan lokked at Rip and smilled. "HAY RIP LONGTIME NO SE MABEY I CAN CONVINSE YOU TO GO BACK TO MILENIUM LIKE OLD TIMES IT MAY BE DIFFENT WITH NO CARDGUY OR LUKE BUT WE CAN STIL SMOKE JJOINTES LIK WE DID BAKC WEN WE WAS COLLAGE ROOMATES! :)" He than held out a marawana stick, but Walter looked at him like mad and slaped the back of hed.

"DO YOU NOT GERT IT? THEY GODGUYS NOW! WE HAZ TO FITE THEM!"

":("

Then the leader gram was all "Uh o..." And then the stone hands vanished in ninja poof! Holgram continue. "Walter, Captain, both of jew get this." Then the grahms vanished!

Captain had, "I MUST TAKE THIS BODIE WAWAY TO FINISH THIS." Then he turned to wolf form and flewies off!

Carl "NO! I MUST GET MAYOR BACK OR GET FIRED IF I FALE! Also some guy dies too that's also bad. I must save him... for the him! and for the me too, becauaee then I can still be in the same group with Seras Rip and Zorin you guys, and we can have the sex."

Then he run. Master chef runs to.

So theer it was just the girls and Walter.

"Ahhh hahaha." Walter said. "1 reel Hecksing nd 2 traders vs 1 trader. IS THIS THE IRONY?"

"N0!" Zorin scrammed, "Fuuuuuuuuck yoooooooouuuuuuuu! 1 W1LL K1LL Y0U D3D Y0U s0n 0f 4 81tCh!"

Then she trys to inseption him!

"Hay im back trying to work oin Hecksing? No1 This is kjust metaphor!"

Then he did more handsings, and said, "SEE WITHOUT EIES NO JUTSU!"

And then, like in the animes, background blacked out and we only saw Walter. Then in the black in cool way, slow motion, Zorin was trying to clos in to slash with him!

"HA HA AH I SE YOU!"

Then he youzed the blood from Quimby and puppettrolled it into a fist to punch out Zorin's lits! It puntched her so hard in face that her fase was smashed and the blood first went thru the face and it wa just hole (but not takkin off ther was stil skin around it and hare)

"ZOREN! JU WEN I WAS ABOT TO COME COOL WITHYOU!" Seras scrammed.

Rp didnt sem to care. "Eh, she insults me and the Captain. She isn't as bad as Jan, but I can't say I miss her."

"GRR MANIUM! I WIL KILL THE ALLS OF YOU! I VILL VOMIT ASSID FROM MY STOMIC ON YOUR FASE AND WILE IT BURNS ILL TER OUT YOUR STOMIC AND BURN YOU WITH IT!"

"Seras, calm down. Anger isn't going to get us anywhere. I know this guy; I used to work with him. My charms won't work, and he may be skilled enough to take out my bullet, but he isn't invincible like Alucard."

Seras got wizeass fase. "Well if Als inivincible, wy he ded?"

Rip got mad fase. "Because Jan cheated! Just like how he did with me."

"HAHAHA I THOT BLONDIES WAS SUPOSED TO BE DUM. YOUR A BLUE-HAIR."

"Look! If we keep playing around like this, we'll end up dead and faceless like Zorin! Listen, I've heard that if a vampire has sex with another, they gain special, 'secondary' abilities in addition to thier old, 'primary' ones. First of all, do you have a primary ability after your level up from drinking Carl's blood and vampirizing him? I got my bullet control once I had my first drop of blood, and Zorin got her illusion powers the same way."

"uHHH,,,"

Tehn Seres shot and the yellow bulet had yelow lit and zig-zagged round.

"This count?"

"Well... that's the same as my primary ability. But there's still a chance that we have different secondary abilities. First, try channeling raw chakra into your bullet and see if something happens."

* * *

><p><strong>(Carl Cheeb Captain (LOL all cS!))<strong>

Captan was flying, but Carlcheef had to jump Naruto style akross the tre branches in the cannon walls!

"HA HA HA YOU CANOT CACH UP W/ ME CUZ I AM A GOD FITER! HYPERBOLA SMIL! (:)"

Carl growled like dog. Then he turned to Madda Chef.

"Why you come her? THIS IS PERSONEL AND DEELSS WITH ME, ONER, DIGNATY, AND JOB NOT FIREING! and some guy's life I don't evvn know about."

"I HAD WORK?" he anshrews.

"ok"

* * *

><p><strong>(THAT WAS FUCKING BORING. NOW IN CAVE.)<strong>

The bullets werre flying they was a blue won and a yelow one.

Both Rip and Seras did the handsines thingy and focusesd CHAKRA onto it!

Buit then Serases vbulllets asploded and rips duplicat!

"Okay, so while we have the same primary powers, we do _not_ have the same secondary powers. Now, Seras, listen carefully. I think I can form a plan with your explosions and my multiplying."

"NO! FUCK THAT! I JUST KILL ATLL THE NATSIS!"

"Hey! I was once with them too, you know!"

"oOps sawwy."

"HMM? WAT IS THE MEAN IOF THIS?" Walter rajed.

Then a yellow Seras bullet flew around him. "OOOO purty..."

But then it BLEU (oh whate, that wuld be funnier if it Rip) up! "HAY THAT NO NIECE!"

But then, bloo bullet!

"HAHAHA RIP I NO THAT YOU SO I ACAN JUST CUT IT QITH CHAKRA STRINGS!"

Then he silced it in haff! "hehehe look at wat I just cot. I just cot you, Rip Van wink-"

But then, 2 blue bullets!

"HEHEHE you thick you just youze MACHINE GUN givin from Zoren to multishot me? Well i'll tell you wat, yep, I CAN STRINGS ARE BETER THEN BULLETS!"

But then they multiply x2 into 4. Then to 8. Then to 16. 32, 64, 128!

"Oh fuck."

**BOOM!**

(that wez the bullets all 128 of them zigzag then going strate to Walter at the same time)

Then the blud from Quimby dropped to growned and was just useles blood. Walter was DED.

* * *

><p><strong>(Those other guys)<strong>

Captan had taken rest on a plaltform at the sides. Ther was grass and it half forest too.

"I THICK I GOT FAR FROM THEM. I SHULD SINCE I AM, AFTERTARALL, A GOOD FITER."

But Carl and Chef climbs up!

"Ha! An tru good figter dos not give up!" Carl says.

Captain dorpped Quimy from his sholgers (which he moved after flying to top and the removel of his wolf form)

"I'M AM SORY BUT YOU CNT HURT ME I WHEREWOLF I INVISIBIBEL TO ANYTHIG BUT SILVER SO YO MITE GIVE UP I MEEN I AM THE GOODEST FIHGTER OF THEM ALL ACSEPT MABEY RIP SHES ALSO KOOL SHES MY BESTIE SO SHE CAN GET SECOND TEER LIST WILE I AM GOD TEER."

Chief looked at gun. "Oh uh good thig i brout sliver bullets for my gun today."

And then he shot and killed Captain. Carl rushes to Quimby.

"MAJOR! YOU OK?"

"er a um, I LOSYT SO MUCH BLOOD I DO'NT THINK I..."

He passed out!

"NO!" Carl yells. "I must... um... GET TO HOSHITIL!"

"BUT HOW? WE FAR AWAY FROM THE UKOL!" Cheef screaemed.

(AN i did not know at first that GC was all the way in USA i thot it was in Germany so this is ret dcon and lets just say that carl's scoter stollen had rocket jets)

Then, big Daved Haselhof appers!

"Who r you?" Carl asks.

"im Dave Hass. And im FUCKING HUJE!"

"HAY!" Carl worys. "I STUDYS THE SUPERNATRAL CREETURES. YOUR NOT A MUTANT THAT GOT BIG AETING OTHER HUMANS R U?"

"No i just eating mushrooms."

Cpatian's actor ssat up from playing ded.

"KIDS DONT EET WILD MUHROOMS THAT YO FIND IT CULD MAKE YOU STONED OR KILL YOU." Thn he went back to played Ded Captain.

"NOW HOP ON!" Daved Hasshloff shoted. He lays on belly and let Captain and Chef clim. Then DH jumped into the river of GC and swam out to the oshin. But wait Carl jumped back off and then brabbed Quimby's deadinging body, and super vampier jumped back on too saying "Oops, I almost forgot this fatass."

* * *

><p><strong>(CAVe)<strong>

Suddenl, Walters corpse had cammed back as angle! He looked the same ony with a some light around him, and big dove-wings.

"Remember wen I said i was also named Angel of death? Ya well gess what, IM RELLY A ANGEL!"

But then Integra drove in an accent ran him over.

"Gert in! Now!" Then she gotta frown of worry.

So they got in, and Integra drove off don the rocks of the GrandC. But then a CopCar was ther, and it arrested them!

Integra looks at speed. "Wate we we're not going over speedlimit..."

Cop, (Chef Wiggam), was saiying that "UH... GOING TOOO FAST IS ILLEGAL?"

"Hm..." Integra ponderz, "Somethigs not write here..."

(oh and rips close r STILL c-thru from the water earlier in eipsode)

* * *

><p><strong>(Oshin)<strong>

While stil ridin on David Haselholf, the Hecksing Gang had seen the ruins of the aircraft carreer (AN it was acally closer to USA then UKL this is the plot important later)

"Aw Al's ded." Carl took a note. "ANd yet, THA TANK IS STIL FLOATING OPN WATER! WHAT?"

"IT'S FLOATING ON SHEER AWESOMENESS, BECAUSE IT'S A BIGASS SHIP AND I LIKE BIG THINGS!" the Chief said. "like butts and i cannot lie"

But then a peese of carrer was lift. It was Jan Valtime, with his roboarm rebilt and youzing jets of rockets on it to fly up in aire! He then droped it onto the water and sflew with robojets to DH"S back. (he also had no hat and his eies r all blodshots)

Carl study him. "Hey are you the guy who fucked Alucard?"

"Ya I killed him."

"I NEW IT! I SAW ON TEH CATBOYS TV!"

"NAD NOW I KILL YOU!"

Then he got sowrds out of his roboarms. Toxxic sords!

"Watte wate wate I thot you dead."

"Oh. well see my roboarm had a sheelds that perverts damaje. I then spent the next time with it otto-rebilding feeture till it heeled. Till then, I stuck at botom of oshin till i can get out. AND NOW I OUT, YOU WILL DAED!"

cARL WAs scarred but then Carl was CONFIDINCE and got his guitar and SONIC WAVED HIM dead! Through the chest.

"No!" SCArl screemed. "I wil not die! Chef, lissen up: Zorin, Seres, Rip, you, I , and Integra wil turn this war around. Alreddy I can no that team Ripseraszorin have killed the Walter Trader (treaders make me sick... Yuck!) WITH NO DEATHS FROM THEM! Toghether the 5 of us will WIN AGANST NAZISZ!

"Ya!" Cheaf screems. "FUCK YEAH! FUCK YEAH! WE'LL WIN LIKE FRAT BOYS? Thios is Sprta?"

Carl looked doun. "Say Hasselman, how much time tilll we get to UKL?"

"3 yeers."

"3 YEERS? IS THAT EVEN POSSIMPLE?"

"HAHAHA I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU. IT ONLY 3 OWERS."

"o hok. Sense this all began early in night we should dhave the time before day so we won't BURN."

The MC looked at Quimby.

"Uh... I don't thick he looks so good..."

Carl had said, "MAQUIMBY YOU ALIVE?"

"em a um, I CANTNOT MAKE IT!"

Carl looked wories. 3 owers was not enuff to time to give him time to live so...

He vamper bite him! Quimby came back!

"er a um, SWET I VAMPER NOW!"

Then Carl gave cool look into the direcshon DH was hedding. and gave col pose. "I swear. 1 by 1, these Nazis will all go down."

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Well, this was certainly an odd thing to write for Valentines Day...

Anyway, I had to rush the last part of this chaper, so expect a few changes made here once I get to the final season. (Update: That sentence might be outdated I don't know.) And the only reason why I made this a Valentines Day special is because of the whole Valentine Brothers connection. And to give myself a date to publish this.

So, here's up to season three, which is quite possibly the shortest season of anything I will write!


	9. Wongfully Akused

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 9: Wongfully Akused**

**Beginning AN:**

And just like that, another arc is over already.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass lawyer. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER IX<strong>

On the gaint Davey Hastehoff, Carl had gotten CELL PHONE call from Integra!

"Hey boss?"

"I am caling from juge room."

"Why?"

"Becuz im afad that we are dun dun dun... WONGFULLY AKUSED! Come over at the howse for moar info, cuz i don have much time herer." On other line, Integra had a frown of wory agan!

"Is Seras Rip und Zoren ther 2?"

"Ya well Sers and Rip r but Zorin's DED."

"NO!"

"By the way you DID save Quimby right?"

"Er... mabey?"

"Well it's not a no at least if you said no then you would be fired."

"Well he was captured and sent to the base and successfully they did an opration on him that drew out a lot of blood and he would have died sinse we're far from hospital but on the other hand I broke him out and I'm transporting him to society and I made him into a vampire so that he not die!"

"**YOU VAMPIRED HIM?**" Integra asked, "**THAT'S AWAYING ARE SECRET!**"

"Oh shit. So did I pass the mission or not?"

"WELL. On one hand, you did do wat I considdered succeeding. You searched the Millenium and destroyed them. Right?"

"Two dead. Captain, and it turns out that Jan guy was really alive, but I just killed him. Hrm". He looked and saw his corpse, then chucked it to the ocean. "Three if you cound Zorin, but I don't since sh'es a Hecksing. Once a Hecksing, always a hecksing. Or- not, it should be, 'Once you go Green, you odn't go back.'"

"Four. Walter."

"Good. Even when he was Hecksing I always hated the guy."

"Anyway I would pass syou for that but fired you for giving awa that vampires expist. Then again the task I gave was impossible or so I thought. I just wanted to have a reason to fire you while seeing how bad you fuck things up to remind me, and regardless I would have sent Seras, Rip, Zorin, and the MC out too. So I don't know. I'll give one more DO THIS OR YOURE FIRED misson."

Then atfer the call ended Carl looked at a muskit... RIP'S PEASE OF SHIT MUSKIT!

"Hey MC, i doon't tell this but Rip ghave me this is a gifte cuz she doesn't use this no more since she machine guns."

FLASHBACK (to right befur the mishon last chapper)

Past Rip was the, "Here Carl, take this. It was once my weapon, but now that Zorin has shown me the true ways of long-ranged combat, this is just a prized possession. And now, I consider it to be an ultimate gift from me."

"WTF DIS IS PEESE OF SHIT? WHY DID I LICK YOU ANYWAI?"

END FLASHBAX.

but then a shark came from water and snached away the muskit!

"O FUJE!" Carl did not sweer.

At the poynte DH had landed at the UKOL port bay lake oshin, Carl and Cheef and Quimby was offed.

"er a um, tank you for transportalizing the mayor presidint to his home country. er a um, in case you need reminderments i was talking about myself in the third person."

"YOURE WELCOME!"

* * *

><p><strong>(Cort Howse)<strong>

They had entred the court (All 3 of them (not Davey HassHoff)). Lawyer Guy (Note inspite of name he no relashon to Card Guy) was there, and also jury constitutional of these folling:

Noruto (From Naruto)  
>Bleech (Bleach)<br>Monkey (1 Peese)  
>Ed (EENE)<br>Eddy (Also EENE)  
>MegaManm (TACK A WILD GESS)<br>Sonic (Sonic the Heggehog)  
>Err Cartman (SOTH PARK)<br>John Eggbert (The Homestuck (It not all trolls))  
>Jade Hardly (See abvoe Homestuck 2)<p>

Juje was macking a poynte.

"Do you, Integra Heck, are speedoing?"

"NO! I SWARE THAT I WAS 46 NOT 60!"

Juje then "WELL I GUESS THAT IS ALL WELL ND GOOD I LET YOU ALL GO NOW!"

"BULLSHITCRAP!" screemed Laywer Guy. He them cut off head of Juje with a Sord.

Everyon gasped!

"THIS WAS ALL RUSE." Laywer Guy explanente. "I RELLY A HUNTER SENT TO LURE HECKSINGS INTO TRAP AND KIL THEM!"

Rip than stod forward. "Wait, I don't remember you being one of the Hitler Revival Groups. Do you have any affiliation with Heavensing, the Millennium, or any other related organizations?"

"NO! I dont like eather of them or the Hecksings!"

To show he meens bisness, he dun dun dun STABED INTEGRA THRU BACK! (hay this is borderline filer and I want a litle more plot revelense in here so that it not a complet waste of time also theres a littel caracter developement cuz before there was not really that much)

Integra bleed from mowth and was dead. But before she ded she say, "Carl, i want YOU to take over as the leeder of the Hecksings! And forget everything I said about leaving it in the shadows... you did a good job... here promotion, my death convinced me to let people know! Know the truth!" Then couffed and added, "And Seras... I know you can avenge Alucard for me."

Carl nodded with much responsibiblity. "Yea I think i can take it! Take the sponsibility! Also I already avenged Alucar dI killed who kille dhim?" But it was too late she was dead.

But then the Jury ran out, and as they left Laywer Guy did a ottolock of doors so non of the Hecksing or Mayor Quimby can get out! Carl, Seres, Rp, Quimby, and the MC all go thru other door to halway and Carl and Chief blocked the door open. LG was bangging,

"O GOD INTEGRA DEAD NOW WAT?" Carl panicking. "SORRY BUT IM NOT TAHT GOOD AT MAKING DESISHONS IN FACT I AM A BITE OF A NERD. I EVEN MADE A NERD PUN WITH BITE INSTEAD OF BIT!"

Rip salpped him. "Get yourself together! I've been supporting you since last night. You're now a leader, so you can't back down from your responsibility! Just look at the Doctor! He didn't fire me the first time, and now I'm working with you to take out his group! As a leader, you must treat the situation in a calm and orderly fashion!"

"Im a frend not a leeder."

Rip slapped agan. "No. I will not make a _Homestuck_ reference, this fic is full of them as is. Great Pikmin Fan can suck it."

Quimby desided to "er a um, WHY THE FUCK IS CARL LEEDER AGAN? er a um, SERAS IS THE SERIOUS BONE, RIP THE SMART ONE, I'M THE RULER, AND THEMASTER CHIEF IS THE COOLEST!"

Sersa Rip and cHeif looked around in glanses.

They all, "Uh..."

"Well that's the exact reason. With everyon else getting a gimmick like smart or serious, that leaves me with nothing! BUT, the leder to band them all together!" Carl then looked harder Quimby after tocking and got idea. "Quimby! You can make leegal shit!"

Then Carl and the MC leept off door and did a tripel roll and landed. Quimby wocked out to tock to LG.

* * *

><p><strong>(The Talk)<strong>

Quimby desided to talk to the Laywer Guy.

"er a um, THIS VIOLATES LAW. er a um, IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW THAT IS'T GOOD."

"Ya well juje is ded SO WHO BE THE JUDGE?"

"er a um, CRAP."

* * *

><p><strong>(On other door (This is iwll the talk is going on it nother sene in same time))<strong>

"Hay Seras you wanna do it wile we might get Sword killed?"

"No! Fuck you!"

And than she grinded his fase on wall (Gettit like Zorin's deth only not as funy sense she had ben killed in this adventure?) But Carl got ten up!

"O uh I wash face with holly water this mornin so it not kill me."

"O fock!" Seras winned.

Rip was saying, "This is stupid. We are only dealing with a human, so a simple gunshot wound ought to kill him, right?"

"BUT YOU WERE ALSO RUNNNING!" Seras yelled.

"I-I... I run when others run! It's still a nervous tick of mine... it's getting better though!"

* * *

><p><strong>(The 2 plots meet right here)<strong>

Laywer Guy had grabbed Major Quimby bye the shirt and was about to stab with Sord.

BUT THEN BLUE BULLET BROCK INTO AND HIT LAWYER GUY IN THE HEAD! THEN IT BOWNSED BACK LOTS OF TIMES AND HIT AGAN!

"er a um, JESUS RIP THANX FOR RSAVING ME!"

But tsomething was odd. Ther no blood, only gray metil stuff. Liquid metal! It had fused back together to make Lawye Guy agin!

"Im sorry to rane on your parade but i am reelly a TERMINATOR2!"

Seras truned to Caerl. "Well wize gauy, WHAT WE DO NOW?"

Carl got a frown of wory. Or at least he tried to but he just ended up hurting his jaw becaus his facial musels were not yet adapted to do such a degree of degree turning-lips. "Run!"

They ran outside.

* * *

><p><strong>(Outside)<strong>

They had gotten to rode.

"er a um, WHERE IS A CAR TO LEAVE US HERE?" Quimby asked in a panik.

Then a limo kart of Ed and Eddy was there! "HOPE IN!" Eddy sed with much hurry. "WE DROVE BACK FOR SURFIVERS!"

They drove off! But then...

"Guys, wait! You forgot about me!" Rip winned.

Then, sonic!

"Hop on dud!"

"I'm a woman."

"O SHIT!"

But she horpped on anyway.

Down the freeway., Lawyer Guy mangaged to hop on the Eds limo. He than used luquid metal to turn hand into ham mer and nock Eds off (But he no kill them. both cuz EENE is DA SHIT and he only want to kil Hecksings and the Mayor sence he so corrupt.)

"Dye!" He said like in _Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamleon_.

"NO! FOCK YOU!" Seras said licke a badass, than shotting hi,m and macking the bullet explode. LG split in haff and screech like a robot from _Alien_.

"WE NO KIL HIM YET!" Sed Carl.

Then all of the suden, "BAILE!" Carl shotted. They jump off carlimo as it drove off a cliff and landed. But Lawyer Guy jumped 2!

Carl looked at reckgage. "O shit i hop the Eds are not mad."

Seras calmed up for once. "Eh, they'll fined."

Then Madda Cheeb drove up in his car (wat they call it?) "HOPE ON!"

They drove off in hopps of finding the athoritys. Meenwile, Rpi and Sonic cot up with LG!

"U o im not fitting ham." Sed Sonic. "YOU ON OWN!" Then eh tossed Rip onna car. It was also coincidentally Ichigo's car!

"HEY GET OFF!" He cried, then jumped on and slapped both of them.

"ONLY SLAP HER!" LG shouted, "SHE'S THE VILLAN!"

"Ya' hthink I'm an idiot?" Ichigo said, "I SAW YOU try to kill her! And everyone else!"

"Oh oops."

Then the Chief almost hit into them! After Ichigo got out a sword and yelled, "Banzai!" and activated his holow form to attack him and help hold him off. And Chief slammed on the breaks, they were thankfully driving on the sidewalk so they did nnot have to worry about traffic, soon Ichigo drove off but was angry at the car dent but didn't care that much since LG was still alive. This left Rip alone with them.

"Wate!" Carl said, tacking acshon for onse. "We doon't need yto report. We need... TAKE ACSHON!" Then he got brick from nowhere (it was lying around this is a crime part of London (that why there is a nearby courtroom) and so lots of criminals use it to break into cars but then it's not nowhere it he got it from somewhere right?) and put it on gass petal of MC's car. He and Seras got off but Rip and Lawyer Guy were still fighting on it.

"HAY! THAT MY CAR!" MC bitched.

Naruto used teleport jutsus to get there and say "UH I DIDN'T STEAL IT" then he aw the Chief's helmit and though "Oh nevermind I don't recognize you." and teleported away.

Rip and LG's fight lefts them on top of Master Chef's car, right when it was heading where Carl wanted it to... (Carl another thing making him nedry is that he studys Geometrical and Fisicks so he knows how to get a car in the derection he wants) A VOLCAINO!

"OH CARP! I BETTER GET MYSELF OFF OR ELSE I FAL INTO LAVA AND MELT!" Lawyer Guy panicked, wonse in his lifetime. By the way they were trailing up the volcano at this poin.t And it was not the BREAKFAST! Vulvac volcanicity guy from the Youtube Poops becuase that's not the cameo that would be a smart thing like Einstine or funny like Cartman or badass like the MC.

"Yeah, and I don't think lava is good for vampires either!" rip yellers.

Then Megaman teleported in using that line-looking thing he does into levels! And he shot the Glue Stuff from Glue Man, trapping LG to the car! Unfortunately it also tapped Rip.

"Mega Man!" She cried in rage.

"Ooops. I'll make up to you though!" And the basterread teleported!

LG got a meen look and turn his arm into Owen sword. Rip crys at first, but than mans up

"No! I will not back down on my mission!" she than stabed LG with a gun (Implale) and he fall to lava, because the gun's force made him detatch from the glue. Then rip saw the lavas and she was falling to it and sed. "I guess this is it then. One last heroic act before falling into hell itself-"

But then, Luffy came from the guilt that almsot every other jury came to save them but him, stretched arms to a rock, and used them as vine to swung, saving Rip1 He shouted "DON'T WORRY GUYS I WILL DO SOMETHING NOT LIKE WHEN I DID NOTHING BUT RAN EARLIER!"

At the top of volcano, everyone laffed.

"Well now that that ovre with, we can al get back to Hecksing Manor and eet coco." Carl said. "AND QUIMBY CAN BE A PREZDENT! A VAMPERER PRESIDENT!"

"er a um, BUT DONT FORGET THAT THE MILENIUM IS STIL THERE!" Quimby warms.

Carl nods, taking a look like in the seryos animes. "I no. We will be waching. But till then, sun is almost up, and we al accsept MC are vampires. EVEN YOU QUIMBY. SO YOU GET SOME SLEEP MATE1"

Cartman ran uyp and said, "HEY THOSE MILLENNIUM GUYS ARE COOL WH YMUST YOU TRY TO KILL THEM I IDOL THEM!" But then they glared at him and he teleported away with fancy tech.

Seras was. "HAY INTEGRA JUST DYED WHY WE LAFFING?"

"Cuz u have no skirt."

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU TOCKING ABOT-"

Then Carl **Rip**ed off her skirt! Then every(exsept Seras of course) laffed. But Carl got serous agan.

"ABORTION IS WONG WY NOT JUST GIVE KID FOR ADOPP THAT IS A MUCH BETER OPERTUNITY THEN JUST KILLING! GOSH!" He sed a important message.

Then Ichigo puncehd him!

"OW WHAT WAS THAT THE ABORTION?"

"NO THAT WAS FOR MY CAR YOU GREEN FUCK!"

But that leaves that John and Jade wrere useless in the fight? Oh not, they're not. They may be the most important of them all... but that's another story. Literally.

**END OF SEASON THREE.**

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Sorry if this and/or the last chapter were a little rushed. I procrastinated until the last few minutes of my deadlines.

Anyway, there's another month long break before I publish the last few chapters. And that's a good thing, since I'm not quite sure yet where I should go with them. I mean, I have the general idea down, just not specifics.


	10. The Ulumate Wepon

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 10: The Ulumate Wepon**

**Beginning AN:**

And thus begins the final season, and if I keep using my original schedule, this hopefully makes HUC the first fan fic I finish.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass Doctor. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER X<strong>

**(Real AN: Long ass recap of the entire series up to this point coming up. If you want to, you can skip it by ctrl+f-ing "In cave")**

Rip narates: "Oh, I have to do this recap? And we're doing the entire fan fic up to this point, not the last chapter? Okay. Last time on _Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles_:

"Powerful vampire and loyal weapon to the Hecksing organization Alucard Badguy was alerted by his master Integra of a nearby vampire attack. This vampire, a priest referred to as 'First Boss,' had been killing a team of cops that were sent to terminate him. Alucard succeeded in taking out First Boss, only to accidentally shoot the last surviving member of the police force, Seras Victoria. Making up to her, Alucard transforms her into a vampire. As Seras discovers her new transformation, Integra finds out that First Boss was an agent sent by Hecksing's formal - and now for_mer_ - co-organization Heavensing. Alucard and Seras, using the former's tank with rocket boosters, ride over to the church hideout in order to 'make negotiations' about this act of betrayal.

"However, this turns out to be a trap. Heavensing's leader Ned Flanders sends out their group's trump card and only other member, Father Alexander Anderson. Anderson barricades the vampires and decapitates Alucard. Alucard, who is still alive, telekinetically instructs Seras to drink his blood and gain power. She refuses, so he comes back into the scene fully regenerated and kills Anderson himself. This death marks the first true divergence from the original series, with more to come after. Saddened at the death of Anderson, who turns out to be his lover, Flanders tries to launch a counterattack, but gets shot by Alucard in defense. This death breaks a 'spell' that Flanders and Integra have kept over the United Kingdoms of London (Or, as it's called in your universe, England) that prevents any vampires who aren't a part of Hecksing or Heavensing out. A mysterious group discusses this development using holograms to communicate, and sends out two of its forces to 'test' Hecksing now that they have the oppertunity.

"In the day immediatley after, Hecksing finds themselves surprized to find two vampire men and their zombies assaulting their manor in the mid-daylight. One of the men, Jan Valentine, loses his arm to Hecksing's butler Walter and is chased out of the mansion, but not before revealing the name 'Millennium.' The other one, Jan's brother Luke, attempted to battle Alucard but quickly regretted his decision. Alucard added Luke to his many, many victims, while Jan encountered the Doctor of the Millennium standing right outside. Doctor takes note of Jan's recent injury and says that he is perfect for his new creation.

"That night, Hecksing researched this 'Millennium' and found them to be an underground group of Nazis, whom were currently planning to have a meeting in Brazil. They also hire a team of mercinaries to replace their forces who were since wiped out in the Valentine invasion; the Wild Geese, with their new leader, Carl. Carl is a Martian music artist who became the leader after accidentally killing the original one, Pip, by his spaceship falling on him after running out of fuel. He claims he was taking a vacation and is now stranded on this planet, and has a blatant crush on Seras. Integra sends out Alucard, Seras, and Carl on the first's tank to go to Brazil and stop this meeting. The group encounters Zorin Blitz and Schrodinger, but then come face to face with officer Tubalcain Alhambra, or as he is referred to in this story, 'Card Guy.' Alucard, for once, finds himself unable to kill the enemy, but Carl uses his special Sonic Wave Guitar and ends up killing him instead. With Seras still refusing to drink blood, Alucard decided to eat Tubalcain's body.

"This is where I come in. The next night, Millennium's leader is so infuriated at Card Guy's death that he tries to send me out on a mission to charm Alucard on an aircraft carrier I invaded while Zorin was to invade Hecksing manor with a squad of their thousand vampires. Meanwhile, Jan has his new robotic arm installed only to find that he will not be going on the mission, and is instead forced to guard our hideout. Upset, he tricks me into leaving the Nazicopter I was supposed to go in and heads on the mission himself. I only avoid getting fired by the Doctor because an accident ended up charming him into keeping me on the Millennium's forces. Once again, Alucard is sent in his tank, but unlike before Carl and Seras do not join him. Jan uses his robotic arm to shoot out poison swords which destroy the helicopters sent out to kill him. This attack only effects Alucard to the degree that he gets annoyed enough to release all of his familiars across on the carrier. Jan is not bothered by this until he notices his brother in the lineup. Refusing to fight him out of 'honor,' he activates a self-destruct feature which blows up Alucard and the carrier in a massive holy-slash-nuclear explosion, but leaves his tank intact. Upset at this development, a watching Integra (Hecksing saw this through a screen Schrodinger used) orders Walter to give her another cigar, but he refuses and choses to reveal that he is really working for the Millennium.

"The leader decides to give me another chance by sending Zorin and I to invade the manor. Along the way, we attack Integra, who was on her way to New York in order to try to find a replacement for Alucard. After fighting us off, Alucard's past is finally revealed: he was litterally punched out from the United States to the United Kingdoms of London by his mysterious older brother, and walks his new home for a method of revenge. He finds one when I turn him into a vampire, and later he encounters Integra who hires him as part of Hecksing. Back in the present, Integra arrives and is attacked by a giant mutant Homer Simpson. But this did not last long; Homer was killed by an unknown assailant, to which Integra hired as the replacement for Alucard, impressed by their skills.

"Meanwhile, we broke into the manor with most of our vampires. Zorin went after Carl, while I went after Seras. I proceeded to brutally rip Seras apart, until she met up with Carl, bit him, and drank his blood. Sometime before that, a look into Seras's soul by Zorin revealed her past: she was attacked by a burgular and was forced to run into a house with adopted parents. She was attacked by the same criminal again, but this time his gun, which was supposed to be 'a iPod app,' was real. After murdering the crook, Seras then takes life as a police girl, which in time leads to the events at the beginning. In the present, Carl transformed into a vampire while Seras gained an upgrade from this blood drinking, but before any of us died Carl suggested a foursome. After... _that_, Schrodinger fired both me and Zorin, and then Integra walked in with the person who saved her in New York, the Master Chief. Resembling the incident with the leader, she was upset that Carl disobeyed orders and litterally slept with the enemy, yet was oddly quick to hire me on the Millennium along with Zorin. Integra sends Carl on whatever next mission was in store.

"Looking through the pockets of the suit I almost never wear, Integra finds out the next of the Millennium's plans: to kidnap Joe Quimby, who is both a mayor and the president of London. The Millennium do this the next night by using Captain and Walter. I was supposed to go on the mission with Walter, but as you know I had had... other plans. Their original goal was to travel back in time and change the future, but Carl wrecks this and forces them to come up with another plan. The two retreat into the hideout in the Grand Canyon and use a method aside the holograms of those elsewhere to extract Quimby's blood and use it as a weapon for Walter. By now, Integra sent me, Seras, Zorin, and the Master Chief out to Carl's aid, assuming he fails. The two Millennium officers split once we meet up in and get to the hideout , with Captain taking Quimby's dieing body out and getting the attention of Carl and the Chief. The rest of us stayed and killed Walter, but at the cost of Zorin's life. Integra then came in to get us out of there and back to London, but she was arrested for supposedly speeding.

"Carl and the Chief chase the Captain away from the hideout where the Chief shoots the Captain with a silver bullet and kills him. But with Quimby still in critical condition, our 'heroes' ponder how to get back to London before he dies. They are then greeted and transported by David Hasselhoff, grown to great proportions due to mushrooms. On the way, they are encountered by Jan, who survived the explosion using features on his synthetic arm. Jan is killed by Carl who then saves Quimby by transforming him into a vampire, as the ride to London would still take too much time for him to last to where they can seek medical assistance.

"In the same night, Carl, the Chief, and Quimby went to our trial about the supposed 'speeding.' But this was not a legitimate trial at all; our lawyer, who is referred to as 'Lawyer Guy,' was only setting up a trap. He kills the judge, sends us running, and we soon find out that he is a T-1000 liquid metal robot. He also kills Integra, who promotes Carl to the new leader of Hecksing just before her death. Luckily, Carl comes up with a plan to launch Lawyer Guy into a volcano. Where he melts. Brutally.

"I hope that my recap answered any questions anyone had had up to this point. Enjoy the story! :)="

* * *

><p><strong>(In cave)<strong>

In cave, Doctor and Cat Boy was jump into two out of ten seats of a DEATH MECH.

"WOW FUCK." Said Docter. "IT SURE IS SUCK THAT EVERYONE IN THE MILENNIUM IS DEAD OR TRADER. BECAUSE I MADE ALL THESE SEETS AND ONLY 3/10 ARE BEING USED!"

Catboy nods.

Then a 3rd seet was filed by the leaderr. But he was not a hologram and we could see him and it turns out leader was...

...

...

...

THE MAJOR! (Jee who was you expecting, the MAYOR quimby? haha get it? maYor maJor?)

"Gentelmen." He said. "are jew reddy to MAKE WARF?"

"A." Said Catboy. "What is it with you und war?"

Major answers. "I like war. It makes my penis nice and hard."

* * *

><p><strong>(Hecksing Manshon)<strong>

It was the night after Ch 8 and 9 and Carl was Seras and Rip were lieing naked in bed. Again.

"Aw!" Carl complained gentlemanly. "Crud, the sex we was having is aweful without Zorin!"

Seris and Rip lloked at eechother. "I THINK ITS BETTER SINCE I HAVE 1 LESS GIRLS TO DEAL WITH." Said Seras.

Rip ads, "I concur."

Suddenly, the Master Chief broke in!

"HAY GUYS THE MELLINNIUM IS DOING SOME BAD STUF RIGHT NOW!" he shoted. "WE MUST GO THERE AND STUOP THEM DUDES!"

Seras jumped out of bed and raged. "Grr... MILENIUM!"

Chief backedout and blushed. Carl said, "Uh... Seras you still naked. I can see your HOT ASS and im sure the Chief can see more if you no what I men."

Seras blushed and then jumped back in bed. BUT THEN CARL GOT PISSED FOR SOMETHING.

"HAY! WY DIDNT THE LEADER INFORM US AND TAKE ACTION THAT THE MILENIUMS ARE DOING SOMETHING?"

Rip looked at him. "Carl, you're the leader now, remember? Integra promoted you just before her death."

"o right HAHAHAHAHA."

* * *

><p><strong>(London Shity)<strong>

Carl, Seras, and Rip had get dressed and they and the Cheif went out to see the problem. Also Seras was telling her TRAJIK BACKSTORY to Rip. (Weve seen it in chapter 7 go ther if you wanna find out about it)

"Wait. You said this man claimed to use an iPhone as a gun?"

"Yeah. And it's an ipod get your fucts right."

Rip smilled. "Seras, have you ever thought that the man was bluffing? If so, your mother might still be alive!"

"REALY?" Seras asks. "I MUST GO TO HER HOUSE AND FIND OUT!"

Then she grew vampere wings and flue off!

"Seras, wait! The mission..." She stoped upon noing that Seras was alreddy gone.

"Lete her go." Cartl said wiseassly. "She needs to go on her mision to find out about her possibility parents."

And then the final 3 of Hecksing got to see the final 3 of the Millennium... THE MECHA THEY RIDE LOOKED LIKE A ROBO VERSHIN OF THE TIT DWEEVIL FROM PIKMIN 2! It also had a red FIRE cannon, yellow ELECTRIC cannon, blue WATER cannon, and pink POYSON canon. "KILLIN IS TEH AWSOME!" Mayor yelled.

"Oh balls. thats a hella BOSS BATTEL" Carl shoted.

Quimby walked out ther. "er a um, SENT OUT SOLGIER FORCES OF ATTACK OFFENSE!"

He sent out those with fire proof, ut the Titan Mecha use LIGHTNING attack insted of fire atack! The people who was try to attack was set on electiciuy! (Getr it like set on fire but with electiricy?)

"er a um, NO!" Quimby shouted before wisseling tro save them like in Pikmin. But he needed to use rubbers on them!

Carl then reelized. "NO! WE ARE SO FUCKED! WE CANT USE SOMEONE WHOS IMMUNE TO 1 ATTACK OR THEL USE ANOTHER? WHAT DO?"

Mayor quimby jumpd to his asistense. "er a um, wy you flip the fuck out?"

"BECAUZE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I AM NOT A GOOD LEADER AFTER ALL! :("

But Carl lerned that the time was now so he got out hiis SONIC WAVE GITAR and hit it. But it didn't destroy it! Insted, it only got the atention of the Millenniu,m and made them wanna FINISH OFF THE HECKSINGS!

"Ah" Major said like Rolf from Ed Ed and Ed. (HAY COOL THEY JUST CAMEOD LAST CHAPTER) "Nice to finnly see jew in person, Carl Stevens. Also nise to see jew agan, RIP."

Rip worried.

Major continue, "rip, jew be a trader. AND I NO LIKE TRADERS!" Doctor laughed around with him since this kind was of supposed to be his chapter in the spotlight.

"Yes, I'm sorry about that, but you see, Carl showed me the ways of love. And that's more than I can say about this organization-"

"SILENSE. HOOS THE BOSS BATTEL HERE?" Major yelled.

Mayor Quimby was, "er a um, HOW WE GONNA DESTROY THE MECHA IF IT KEEPS ATTACKING USA?"

Carl was thinking for a minite, and for this minite the millennium was use all 4 cannons on the bildings and killing people. "I KNOW! In loving memory of that rockin' Zorin:

"we will use Pikmin to takeout each weapon one by one, and then we';ll kill the body w/ purple pikmin cuz they are strong."

And then they try'd to did just that. But it was stil hard becuz again they kepts swiching weapons. But Carl and Rip manajed to do this with NO DEATHS, unlike with Quimby. Thank God no Pikmin were harmed in the actual film! Or the making of, for that matter.

"er a um, wow." said Quimby. "er a um, HAY WAIT I TRIED THE SAME FUCKING THING AND IT DIDNT DO JACK SHIT."

Carl entered wiseass mode. "Ah, you shuld try harder next time. But don't worry, your chance for pimpin' will be there soon."

"er a um, I think I pikmped before you were born."

"Uh... I hate to give away this secret, but I lie about my age.I'm older than I look. Both because of the social stigma abd because I'm over the legal drinking age."

"er a um, oh. er a um, shit is that illegal?"

"It was on Mars! But wait, whatt drinking age maximum is on London?"

Meenwile, Major get so mad!

"Grr... thats it. Dr, I have a idea."

And then they activated the fire jets at the bottim of the TITAN MECHA, and flew off!

"It can fly?" Rip asks.

* * *

><p><strong>(Speeking of things we didnt no can fly before this Ch...)<strong>

Seras arived at house in the middle of contry. She nocked on door. "Mom?" She asks.

And then a wonan who looked kinda like Seras only EVEN HOTTER answered thedoor.

"Hay. OH SHIT SERAS ITS YOU. AND YOU GOT SUM BIGASS TITTIES SINCE YOU LEFT."

"YEP! ALSO HOLY FUCK MOM YUR STILL ALIVE?"

"NO SHIT THE CRINIMAL DUDE SAID HE HAD A FUCKING 'IPOD APP GUN' WHO WOULDA BELIVE THAT? I NOTISED HIS BLUFF AND THAN I CHASED THE FUCKER OUTTA MY HOUSE AND STOLE HIS IPOD! HERE YOU CAN HAVE IT! BY THE WAY SERAS HOW DID U LIVE LIFE AFTER YOU RAN AWAY?"

"WELL MOM I LIVED BY THESE ADOPTED JIRKS FOR ABOUT 10 YEERS UNTIL THE SAME FUCKIN JERKASS CRIMINAL CAME BACK BUT THIS TIME WITH A REEL GUN PLUS SUM REEL BALLS I GUESS! BUT I KILLED THE FUCKER SO YOU DON HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HGIM! THANKS FOR THE IPOD BY THE WAY I WILL CHERISH IT!"

"ok"

"So um..." seras then entered moe mode. "ok I just wanted to see if you stil alive. I dont realy have tht many other plans so I'll just go now. oh By The Way im a vampire."

"A VAMPIREE?"

"ya. WHAT YOU RASIST ABOUT IT CUZ RASISM AGANST VAMPERES IS BAD U NOW. I DELT WITH A RACIST THE NIGHT I WAS A VAMPR."

"NO I'M NOT RASIST IN FACT I'M GLAD THAT MY LITTEL YELLOW FURRY IS IMMORTAL."

"MOM I TOLD YOU NOT TO CAL ME YELLOW FURRY IT SOUNDS LIKE PISS."

"SORRY FOR ME GIVIN SUCH A SHITTY NICKNAME."

"NO I MEEN litterally. But you can also say its a shitty nickname since piss and shit are similar."

"o."

"Anyway vampirates may not be immmortal. The guy who turnd me, Alucard, is dead."

"HOLYSHIT ALUCARD BADGUY?" Serases hot mom was shocked!

"Yes that one."

Then Seras flu out!

* * *

><p><strong>(That was boring emotional crap. Anyway in oshin)<strong>

The TM was fly thru ocean and found Alucard's tank.

"IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!" yelled Tank. "I'VE BEEN SITTING HER FOR 6 CHAPTERS!"

(No wait the tankk didn't talk that was just a small gag)

Major asks, "ok now Doctor I want jew to fuse this tankw ith the Titan Mecha can jew do that?"

"WHAT YOU THINK DUMPASS THAT'S WHY I CAME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?"

"hay don't yell at me i'm jew're boss. D:"

Then Dr. make the fuse! The Tank transform into a fifth, GREEN canon that was on top the mecha and not on the sides like the other 4 cannons! (It was green not cuz of the exploshons element - it is oringe - but insted because Alucars tanks was green)

Then they flu back to the UKOL.

"FUCK." catboy complains. "Not again with a long ride!"

"Sorry Schro, bbut shit like this is what a TRUE villain needs to go thru!" Doctor bragged arrogantly. He was always the arrogant type... interesting character look...

* * *

><p><strong>(The City (not city of TOWNSVILLE lol))<strong>

Seras landed.

"SUP." she said."I FOUND MY MOM AND SHE'S STIL ALIVE AND HAPY TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT ONLY VAMPERER BUT I WAZ TURNED BY ALUCARD!"

But then, the Titan Mecha landed 2! "ha ha was haz Als tank fuzed with us." And then the new, BIG cannon moves down towards underneeth body! But Carl laffed!

"Heh heh the new cannon is like penis. BUT MINE IS BIGGER, HEH EH WINNING!"

"SHUT UP!" Major yells, pulling a swich and macking it shoot explosives! Most of the Pikmin dies! (Not all though I mean come on aftre the Hecksing Gards and Vild Geass died I'm not kiling off the Pikmin that would just be fuckin stupid)

"NO!" Carl yells in a MAD accent! "THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NO DEATH RUN!"

But then he got another idea! "I know! I can use the orange Pikmin, who have not been in games, that are imune to exploshons!"

"WHAT THE ASSCOCKS?" Demanded Major. "FAN PIKMIN? o gog no just no..."

Then he got pisses, and told Dr "Hay Dockter jew know how this works use this fucking thing to MAKE THEM PAYT."

Rip shurgged. "Why are there so many _Homestuck_ references now? What happened to this work being a secret parody of badly written _Total Drama_ fan fiction?"

But she did not get her answer, cuz Doctor shook off the Oringe Pikmin with his controls and then aimed his OTER 4 CANNONS on them! He badly injured Seras w/ the electric one (badder than wen Rip fot her just to show that this is geting closer to the FINAL BOSS and shits getting real), shoots lotsa water ayt Rip with the water one and it ends up pushing her intop a abandom factory were its slowly filling with water and drowing her. Doktor then he shot poyson at Carl.

"HA HA!" Carl laffed (but not like Nelson from Simpsons cuz the Simpsons is fucking stupid nowadays) "I BOT A GASSMASK JUST IN CASE! IT WULD TAKE 2 CANONS TO STOP ME!"

But then he ignited it on fire with the fire cannon! carl say the f word many times!

"Chief! Halp!" Carl said with much urgensy!

But then he fired the exploshons cannon at the Master Chief! "Ha ha I used the strongest one on MC cuz Halo sucks." Dr laffed.

"No!" Carl shouted. Rip was almost submerged and Seras was stil getting shocked. "I guess this is it. The Millenniums next wepon, **the ulumate wepon,** is too impossible to kil."

"NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Carl looked over at the dust from the exploshin that hit the MC, and it was revealed that his mask came off, and it was reveeled of his true identitiy... KAMINA FROM GURREN LAG!

"HOLY SHIT!" Carl mocked the plot twist!

Then Kamina got out a drill, and shouted "GIGA DRILL BR8KER!" and drilled a bigass hole thru the Titan Mech!

"OH SNAP!" Shouted Dr. "Hay Major I'm gonna tell you something and it's kinda going to piss you off."

"waht?"

"This thing was set to BLOW UP once there's a lot of damage given to it. I dunno its a defense or something,"

"WELL THATS A SHITTY DEFENSE. CUZ WE MIUGHT DIE. IS THERE ANY WAY TO TURN IT OFF?"

Then Dr got remote, but it was shot awway to peeses! It was then reveeled that it was Quimby! (remember him even tho he does not apeaar in Ch 1-7 he's gonna be kinda important for the rest of the stoyry in fact he'll be a littel like Integra who was kiled last chapter.)

"IS THER ANY OTHER WAY TO TURN OFF THE SELF DESTRUCT?" Major asks. By this point, there was sparks coming from the insides of the Mecha.

"Im afade i cant help you w/ that."

But Schrodinger culd! He garbed on to Major and they both vanished in Fairy Dust! But Dr did not! He complain, "HAY! WHAT ABOUT ME?"

They teleported back briefly, and Major added "fuck jew jew're the one who build this dumb mechanics so I don't care what happens." then warp away.

He got his answer when the TM explodeds! (finally)

Carl then used SONIC WAVE on the electric mines that trap Seras. She free!

"Hay I save you know can I at leest get kiss?" He said while grabbing on her boobs.

"FUCK YOU YOU PERVERT ASSHOLE!"

Then she thru him across the ground and try to shoot his balls. But he manajed to scoot out of way. HAHAHA, just like Courtney/Duncan from _Total Drama Island_!

But the the Dr fell, AND HE WAS STILL ALIVE!

"YOU HAVE NOT SEEN MY LAST!" He said. But the a leg of the titan Mecha fell down on him and killed him. Carl and Seras and Kamina and Quimby laffed at the irony, but they stoped went they nows something.

"HAY." SERAS SAID. "WHERE THE FUCK IS rIP?"

Carl got a Frown of Worry! "Aw fuck I think she drownes! Dam. First Alucard, trhen Zorin and Integra, now Rip? Fuck, thers more and more deaths of the Hecksings!"

But then Rip was ther. But her clos was wet and sea through _**again**_ cuz she was in room of water. Carl looked at her Z-cup bressts and blushed.

"HOLY CARP RIP YOU ALIVE? HOW!" Carl ejaculated.

Rip rolls eyes and laffs. (But Carl wasnt looking at her eyes if you know what i mean) "I was in an open werehouse. I just swam out, even with the water rising. It was very... shall I say, _cool and refreshing._" Then she did a lot of stretches that showed off her body, and Carl got even more interested. But he yelled at Quimby

"SHE'S NOT FOR YOU YOU FAT FUCK. But Kamina, you qwere cool as the CHief and slightly less cool, but you're cool enough to ojoin our foursome.s"

"Normally I don't mind multiples if the female to male ratio (and I mean number of females compared to number of males not number of people who turns from female to male let's not get into that that's a hairy subject) is equal or higher, but in your case I'd rather sleep with one girl than a hundred girls and your old, green ass."

Then Carl adds, "Hay wait a minite... MAJOR AND CATBOY R STILL MISSING!"

**an: How wil they find the last 2 badguys? Findout latter, on the Final Season Part 2: Major Pain!**

* * *

><p><strong>Responses to reviews:<strong>

**mizukifox** and **miku233**: I'm glad you liked this!

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Welp, this wraps up the first part of the finale. And that's all I really have to say about that.

Oh, and I may draw out this entire series in a comic-format later on after I'm finished.


	11. Major Pain

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 11: Major Pain**

**Beginning AN:**

I don't really have much to say about this chapter that doesn't give away mild spoilers for the final two.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass Major. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER XI<strong>

This takes place right after the last chapter! Carl, Seras, and Rip was discussing some SERIOS BISNESS with the Major Quimby!

"Hey Quimby were the heck is Major?" Carl asks.

"er a um, SHIT I DON'T KNOW!"

But then Carl got a plan!

"He used Schrodinger to telport away. So we can look round the city w/ ARE NEW PIKMIN FORCES!"

Kamina said, "Shit. Remember wen I was job as the MAster Cheif? I had all sorts of cool shit vehicels."

Rip was, "So now you don't, because you lost your Spartain uniform?"

"NO! I'M STILL THE MADDA CHEEB. so i have THE FLITES. I can get into a vehiculer helicopter and look round. Anone want to come wiht? That hot Seras? That hotter Rip? ...Don't make me say Carl or Quimby, I hate those guys!"

Sers raised her hand but Carl tsk tsk tsked her.

"Seris youve missed one half of one fight, we dont want you to miss other."

"You know, that's ok I can go alone." He, the Kamina Cheif (remember they are the same person) said before lefting.

Carl then thot out loud, "HAY WAIT A MINIUTE! IM STANDED ON EARTH AND KAMINA HAS SPACE EXPLOITATIONS! I GUESS I CAN GET OUT OF HERE IF I ASK NISLEY!"

FRip frowned. "But do you really want to leave us?"

Carl got a look of quizz! "Not sure." He said in finally.

But then, a Red Pikmin tapped Carl's leg, geting him attention.

"What is it Pikmin?"

The Red pointed. It was the Maor!

"Aw fuckcrap Catboy why do you can't find better hinding spots?"

So then the Hecksings stared down the Major and this was about to thbe the FINAL BOSS BATTLE (for real this time not like the fakeout with anderson) so then he got out the sholder blades! It was kind of like the final boss batel of _Undercover Brother_! (AN see that movie it is awsom) But then Quimby got the jump on Major!

"er a um, STOP WHAT YOUR DOING RIGHT NOW ITS BAD!" Yelled Major in his corrupt accent.

Major answers, "Fuck jew Quimby."

Then Mayopr get so mad! "er a um, I'LL TRY TO KIL YOU BITCH!"

Then he did a tripol backflip and got out a gun and shot several lots of times, but Major kepts keeps diflecting the bullets!

Then Major reeched in his coat pocket and grins. "Besides I have a bit of a... SECRIT WEPON!"

And then he got out Jackal!

"er a um, WHAT THE FIUCK MAN YOU BE CHEATIN'!" Quimby said.

"No you see Al keepts this in his tank which we merjed combined with the Titan Mecha but beofre we did it I got out THIS BADBOY that I can use to finish the job."

And then he shot Quimby! But he missed the viral spots of a vampire (hart brains balls etrc.), so Quimby survived!

"O wait." Said Major. "I never got to ask. HOW THE HELL DID JEW SRVIVE THAT BLOOD DRANE I MEEN WALTER TOOK OUT A CRAPTON OF BLOOD?"

Carl answers "I TURN HIM INTO VAMPERER!"

Major say "O?"

Carl nodds.

Then Major got evil look at Seras!

"Hay bitch jew're a noob why Jew still here? THIS IS WAR!"

Seras was then, "A TRUE WAR NEVER GIVES UP! NEVER SURRENDER!"

Then a car drove up. It was Serases HOT MOM!

"DONT SHOOT MAH GIRL BICH!"

But then Major got so mad!

"Hay what the hell is she and who is she goin here?"

Seras answered, "Thats me mum."

Major sadi, "OH. SO JEWR A MOMAS GIRL?" Then he did shot Seras mom to deth! She dies to show that SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

"NO!" Seras yellecd. And then she then ran up to him to PUNCH HIM THRU FASE like with Cardguy Schrodingr and what Waslter did to Zorin in chaptar eight.

Then Rip got mad! "Seras," she said, "This man is an expert at hand-to-hand combat! Not even a vampire of your level can kill him that easily!"

She then restrained Seras!

"LET ME GOI RIP!"

"No!"

"RIP LET ME TEL YOU SOMETHIG I AM WAS VAMPERIZED FROM ALUCARD SO I KNOW WHAT I'M STRONGING!"

"Seras, I was the one who _made_ Alucard into a vampire."

Seras got 'OH, Crap!' look and stoped. So she reeched for her gun the hadoken instead.

It begins to fire lots of yellow bullets! Then they moved around and exploded, but Major doged them (bullets and the bombs) in slow-mo like the Matrix!

Then Majpr did a triple backflip, and landed inf ront of the UKOL capitol bilding! "With Dr ded I came up with a new plan wile Seras was shoot bullets at me!"

He then reeched in his coat, but Carl snarked! "Hay your not gonna get your penis out heh heh heh."

Mayor wsa, "er a um, HAY THAT'S THE WRONG PART OF WHERE A PENIS IS! JOKE FAIL!"

But insted Major got out a bomb! "I stand in fornt of the tallest bilding in the United Kingdoms of London. When I get to top I will blow up the bomb and distroy the bilding, BUT THATS NOT ALL! The explosion makes a huge fire ball which grows asa it eats more matter, so when this bom goes off by the time the exploshon ball reeches ground IT WILL BE PRETY FUCKING BIG! But then it goes away when it touches, ground so that's how the limits work."

And then he used his badass Major powers to do the tripel backflip and he started running really faster up the bildings wall!

Carl Seras Rip and Quimby (not Kamina he was stil serching for Catboy) looked up.

"er a um, AND THEY SAY FAT PEEOPLE CAN'T RUN. er a um, SHIT. er a um, THAT JUST MEANS I NEED TO WORK OUT MORE, LIFT WAITS AND NOT EXCUSES."

Carl looked very disspointed. "WE MUST GET UP THERE. BUT HOW? NON OF US HAVE VAMPERER SPEED BECAUSE VAMPIRES=/=SPEED LIKE IT DOES IN THAT PEASE OF SHIT TWILIGHT!?"

Rip turned to Quimby. "Mr. President, don't you have some sort of aircraft which can get us to the top?"

"er a um, yes we have a helicopter."

* * *

><p><strong>(34 the way up the bilding)**

Major stops 3/4 of the way up! "Dam! I need a take a break!" He then eats sandwitch.

Catboy teleports to him w/ fairy dust. "Hey Major hows it going?"

"God."

"DSoes it not bother you that we are the last 2 Millennium?"

"Nope. I mean, we killed Alcard and Integra. Now we have to deal with these stupid fucking noobs and are trader Rip. And also, war. That invasion was not a war since too many hid and ot enough fought, it was a perfectly good waste of soliders."

"HAY!" It was Carels voice (AN he's suposed to be fvoiced by **Chuck Norris** if this was OVA cuz Chuck is cool and he wins all the memes), as the Hecksings (and Quimby he's not part of Hecksing really) came up! In their copter!

"JEW GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING!"

Carl continyoued. "Its not a noob if we keep going and don't give up the fighting." Then he got a serious face. "Like what Kamina tot me..."

Then Carl broke through the glass w/ his SONIC WAVE GUITAR and jumped onto the lege Major was at! But upon landing on lege his kinda loses his ballince for a bit.

"WOAH FUCK THIS LEGE IS NARROW!"

Major Quimby complains to Carl, "er a um, THAT GLASS SHEELED COSTS FIVE TRILLION DOLLERS!"

Carl said, "Sorry."

Mayor Nazi said, "ENUFF! I SHALL END JEW RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!"

And then Catboy teleport out, and Major starteds to slahs at Carl w/ his blades.

"Dude I'm a vampere now those things cant cut me." Carl laughes.

Major said, "Yea but there holy silver dipped in holy water and dryed with bible paged."

"OH FUCK THATS A ONE HIT KO FOR VAMPIRES!"

Carl was also try to Sonic Wave, but Major's sholder blades diflect them! "Oh come on."

* * *

><p><strong>(Hellcopter)<strong>

Rip fasepalms. "Quimby, can you grind the propeller blades against the wall of this building? Seras, you will get out there and try to help Carl back in while you, Quimby, will try to get the Major to fall into the blades. He's fast, but not _that_ fast. I will serve as backup to you, President."

Mayor swets. "er a um, wont that meen I'm left alone here in this copter by a X-Millennium? er a um, I DONT THINK I CAN TRUST!"

Then Rip activated charm and got into a sexy poze. Her close was still wet from the Titan Mecha water and see-through, and it was also clinging to her curves. It mades her look sexyer then usuel. "Please? Don't you think you can trust someone who has been working with them for some time?"

Quimby blushed and got erection (AN wait is is possible to have both at the same time? Eh lets say Rips hot enoiff to do yes), but he desided to be a GOOD PRESIDENT for onse (but this was wrong time cuz Rip wasa onto something!) and desided NOT to be distacted by a pretty fase to do his job!

"er a um, THE ANSWER IS NO. er a um, ALSO DOZENT WALTER WORK WITH HEKSING FOR YEERS BUT HE WAS MILENIUM,?"

rip ads, "Walter never slept with Carl."

Quimby shuttered at the yaoi mentil images. He was not homophobic but come on Walter's like sixty it's like Mr. Burns. "er a um, STILL NOT CONVICT."

Rip handed him her mashine gun. "Look, this is the only weapon on me. And as you can see by my attire and the state of it, I do not have any other weapons with me. It is fully loaded with silver bullets containing small explosives in them. If I act suspicious _at all_ while you are with me, shoot me."

"er a um, ok i beleeve you now. er a um, SERAS GET YOUR HOT ASS OUT THER!"

Then she did, but when she got out she snuk nup behiond Major and kick him in the balls.

"FUCK YOU THATS FOR KILLING MY MOM. NOW I WILL TEAR OFF THOSE BALLSS AND SHOVE THEM IN YOUR EYES AND THEN THRO YOU ON HELLCOPTER BLADES WHICH IS KIND OF PART OF PLAN!"

But Major did not looked that hurt! "he he im wearing cup. WHAT? JEW GOTTA BE PRIPARED FOR WAR!"

Then coptper got close enough for Rip to be talking! "Carl! Jump in here! Seras is going to help you!"

"NO!" Seras biched. "I WANT TO KILL HIM TO REVENGE MY MOTHER!"

"Seras! This isn't part of the plan!"

"FUCK THE PLAN YOU SLUT!"

Rip loked confused. "What? How? Carl is a bigger slut than me! For one, he is the only man I actually slept with!"

"YEA WELL YOUR BORING AND ANNOYING CARL IS NOT."

Rip growled, but quietly not like Seras. She then turn to Quimby. "President, if I told you to forget about Seras and just ramp the copter's blades up that building the moment Carl gets off, will you shoot me?"

"er a um, well I can see how you find Seras to be a bitch sometimes. er a um, but id' still hit that. er a um, so yes."

* * *

><p><strong>(Back on the bilding (tho the last part was mostly about the bilding, I just thought this a good point to put a line break)<strong>

"Carl!" Rip crys, "Get back in the copter! We have another idea!"

Then Carl did a tripol backflip in! But Seras stays out!

"REVENJE!" Seras cryd. But then Rip jumpd out, grabed Seras, and jumped bak into the copter!

"Go Quimby!" Rip shoted to the Mayor.

Then the chase continue, and the Major was running! Then he dropped his bomb and it was cut in lotsa peeses, just to show how strong the blade thingy works! (The bomb no explode it just shorst out and we see cool electric effects to)

But Major sees the blades and does math skills. "Hm if I jump in a few seconds I can go PAST the blades and not die!"

Then he did a 4ple backflip into the copter! "Sup." He joked. Then he bladed the controls! Now the copter has worse controls then Sonic 2006!

Carl got out comunitater! "KAMINA GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HER IN YOUR CRAFT WHAT THE HECK WAS YOU THINKING SERCHING FOR A TELEPORTER?!"

Then MC Spartan vehiclcle came under the helicopter! Carl and Seras and Major jump out and on top of the craft, but Rip grabs Mayor first and jumps on it to. Now all 5 of them was on it for a KICKASS SHOWDOWN!

Quimby was, "er a um, Rip why you save me like that? er a um, I'm a vamperer 2 you no."

"I just didn't want anything to happen to our good leader." She said, rubbing his chest his her hand. Quimby blushed and erectioned again.

Major was, "ENOGH! LETS FINEL SHOWDOWN RIGHT HERE!"

Carl complyed by tearing off his shirt, showing all his musels (AN I SAID HE DOES NOT LOOKS LIKE GIRL BACK IN CHAPTER 3 AND THIS PROVES IT OK?)

Major rips off shirt, revveeling his big man titties.

Then Rip riped shirt 2!

"er a um, you a girl you no." Quimby noted.

"I don't care. The damn thing was see-through anyway."

Then Carl and Major wressels like idiots. Kamina (he was the driver in case you forgot he was also the Chief) uses his SPARTAtech to message Seras.

"Hay um... this thing has canons on top of it. You want me to just shoot Major?"

"FUCKJ NO I WANNA KILL HIM!" Seras rrajed.

But Then Major got backup shirt from his pants pocket and put it back on and Carl did the same, cut shirtlessing is fucking stuped. Rip also took off her thong and put back onher canon suit. But then Major pushed Carl off!

"ah..." Carl screemed.

"HA HA!" Major laughed in victry. "NOW THAT THE CHARMER IS GONE, WHAT SHOULD I KILL NEXT. THE REVENGE GIRL, THE TRADER, OR THE PRESIDENT? HM... LETS SEE... SO MANY OPINIONS..."

Rip grabbed on tight to the Quimby. "Whatever you do, if you try to harm Quimby, you must go through me first."

"Ok." Then he shots lotsa times at Rip! But the shots no hit! Rip laffed.

"Really, Major? Did you really think it was a good idea to shoot at a vampire who can manipulate bullets?"

"Aw fuck."

Then the bullets shot it turns out was changed by Rip and got some blue lightes on them, and was move around to the Major. They shot him in the chest (and that hurt cuz ther was ten bullits! ow!) And then Rip kicked him to the needel at the top of the bilding. (kamina drove the Spartain copter flying tank transport thing up while they were shirtlessing), where he got the spike of the bilding up his ass through his body and out his head. Ew.

"Ow my ass!" Major said looking down. THEN HE LOOKED UP. "OW! MY HEAD!" And then he died. The Kamina landed on the top ther. Him Seras rip and Quimby stepped out.

Seris growled. "GR I WANTED TO KILL HIM!"

Rip shook head. "Victoria, Victoria, I don't care what Carl says. You have a lot to learn."

"SPEEKING OF WHICH CARLS DED NOW CUZ THAT FUCKER PUSHED HIM OFF!"

"Acshally no I was not." Carl said, on the top of bilding (not the top top cuz thats the needel. Neer the top on the floor area beside the needel.) "I hung onto the eje of the Kamina's space car the entire time."

"Speeking of me," Kamina said, "I'm adaid we have some BAD NEWS. while i was serching, I found a NAZICOPTER HEDDING THIS WAY! Also even tho the leeder's dead, we still ned to kill Catboy. How the fuck you kill a guy like that?"

rip slapped herself. "Oh Christ! I forgot that the Major's superior said he was coming to London today!"

This compter landed on the bilding where the Hecksings and Quimby was at and contained evil in it! Then person who steped out was non other then... Hitler!

Rip nervisly grinned. "Hitler Badguy. The abusive older brother to Alucard. The reason why he was left seaking revenge in this country. The reason for his rise to power, and the start of Hecksing. Overseer of several groups bent on causing World War Three, including but not limited to: Millennium, Vatican Section DCLXVI, Akatsuki, Koop Troop, the Felt, and, after a recent turn of events, the now defunct Heavensing."

Hitler gave a mad look! "ri wwhy you betrooy us?"

"You knew about that? Oh _shit_..."

"schro toold me, eh"

"So... um... what brings you here?"

"wwell i wwanted to ether proomote or firoo you dependoon on if yoo kill al but even tho you did you stil wwiped out most of one of my top orgoonizashoons and my main reproosenter soo now ill kill you eh"

"MOST?" Seras asks. "WE FUCKIN KILLED ALL BUT THAT STUPID FUCKING QUANTIM CATBOY! ALSO RIPS STILL ALIVE BUT SHE NO WORKS WITH YOU FUCKTARDS!"

"SILENSE eh"

Then he demonstrated ability! He streched out his neck and bit Kamina, draining al the life from him and killing hi,m. Hitler explains. "see i wwoos givvoon abilootys to boocome SNAKE MEN i can drain lifes. you coont vampoore him back also eh since there is noo life blood to vampiroo"

"THAT NOT RIGHT!" Carl yells. "YOU TURN YOURSELF INTO MONSTER!"

Rip glars. "Also, theres now you treat your younger brother."

"wwhat the foock yoo talkin about?"

"Well, Mister Alucard's brother, as the older sibling, don't you think you should look after and care for him instead of-" She got nervis when Hitler lookd at her evily and got grin. "Um... belittle him?"

"belittle? al's ALWWAYS been littel, eh!"

Then he used powers to get portals from the 4 Hells! Red Hell (AN thats like the traditional hell with fire and shit also kinda like the Nether region in Mindcraft) Purple Hell (AN thats like a creepy forrist place with purple plants it has darkness all around and poyson I dunno LOL) Gray Hell (AN that place is all spase like and wierd with gravity ad electric) and Black Hell (AN **NOT** racist place but insted thats all Cathulu like with tenticels sorta like the Furthist ring on Homerstuck but with some reel fuckin land for once). Also Catboy teleports over to join Hitler I guess.

Carl Seras Rip and I guess Quimby (not Kamina/Master Cheef since hes dead) all pose for the final battel. Cuz this. Is. It! The final boss music from _Super Mario Glaaxy 2_ is playing!

...

...

...

**OH WAIT NOT NOW. NEXT TIME.**

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Well, that turned out longer than I expected.

(Minor spoilers?)

Let's just say that I hope the same can't be said for the next chapter. That's supposed to be the shortest chapter in the fan fic, which would be an easy thing to achive, but chapter 6 is pretty damn short.


	12. Vs Hitler

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 12: Vs Hitler**

**Beginning AN:**

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass dictator. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

...And again, that gag is all I have to say. Becuase there isn't that much to this chapter, as you can see from the scroll bar.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER XII<strong>

The FINAL BOSS had BEGIN.

"I WWILL UNLEECH BADGUY ON YOU" Hitler shoted. He then reahed his snakey head forwerd to the Hecksings. Rip Seras and then the main guy Carl doged it, but then there doging was tricking him to bit Catboy!

"If my life is tobe sucked into another then I cant existing myself anymore so I am now just..."

And then Hitler and Catboy asploded in a boom of Weerd Quantom Shit! The forces from the 4 Hells left and went back.

"WOW THAT WAS ONE FUCK OF A BATTLE." Seras yelled.

"Isn't it odd how both Badguy brothers met death through an explosion?" Rip asks. She also put on another set of her usuel outfit cuz this fic neds more fan service.

Carl got on serios face. "This war was one but at a prise. We must morn the falen."

And then they funeraled Kamina's body.

**Stay tooned for the epilog! On chapter 13!**

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

Yes, this chapter was supposed to be the shortest. That's the joke.


	13. Concussion

**Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals**

**Chapter 13: Concussion**

**Beginning AN:**

Finally. The ending of HUC, which will also make this the first fan fic I complete.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass church militant leader. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER XIII<strong>

It had ben THIRTEY YEARS since the events of chapters 1-12 tooks place. Carl, Seras was in bed naked again and relaxing, this time at the TV.

Rip ran into bed, naked like the others. "Turn the television to channel 16! The show I'm on is about to start!" She said exsidedly.

They then turned it to the show: Kids Award Best Show Ever awerd.

* * *

><p><strong>(On TV)<strong>

In show, Rip had had on a foncy black dress that was kinda see-through and showed her underthings undreneeth which was actualy more skimpyer then her usuel outfit. (Just thin tape strips.) She hosts:

"The viewers have decided. Our three nominies are:

"_John, Jade, Jean, and Jude: The Mis-Edventures_ Episode Thirty, 'Tower of Jade,' by John and Jean Egbert, and Jade and Jude Harley."

Clip showed this:

John and Jade from chpater 9 only 43 (but they don't look old like Mr Burns they stil look like adults) insted of 13 was acting and doing adventures. There was also clones a female John and a male Jade, because IT IS A LONG STORY. (Not part of acting but in reel life.) The 4 of them was on a montain and there was a long plank of wood over the zephier air which also bridged to the other montain. Unfortunatly this montain was where they needed to go for part of the adventure.

"FUCK JADE HOW WE GET ACROS THIS PLANK OF WOOD. WE CANT ALL GO AT ONCE."

Jade reposes, "YA WE CAN WE CAN WALK IN STRATE LINE."

"OR WE CAN FORM TOWER!" Jean sugest.

"THAT'S RETARDED." Jude complanes.

They try to form a tower anyway cuz the badguys were came, but John snek a peek up Jade's skirt!

"hahaha I can see up your skirt."

Then a laugh track plays.

END CLIP.

Rip continues, "_Total Zeksmit Plains_ Episode Seven, 'Aftermath: The Final Five Countdown,' by Great Pikmin Fan."

Ther was no clip this time it was just black screen with "Clip Not Reddy Yet" written on it.

Rip continues, "And _Ren and Stimpy_ Episode Sixhundred Sixteen, 'Black Hole 2: White Hole,' by Matt Greoning."

It shows R&S in space, like in Baclk Hople 1: Black Hole. It starts captain Hook (Ren) and Cadit Stimpy in spase. But Ren was getng crazy and ANGER again!

"STIMPY FETCH ME SOME WATER. _**NOW!**_"

Then Stimpy turns back with a semicreppy face. "OK!" He said, then walking up stars and geting a glass.

He got th water, which is odd cuz he's supposed to be the stupid one. Bit then he fell down stairs!

"FUCK I'M FALLING DOWN ALL THESE STARS!"

And then Ren got luk of crazy, and ANGEr, (but not that same as before in chapter 2, cuz Matt G is a dick about not using the same pose or amination twise!) and said, "YOU IDIOT! i TOLD you about stares!"

He reached ground and cryid disturbed. "sorry. IT KEEPS HAPENING!"

END CLIP

"Well..." Rip said, "That was truly disturbing. But in a good way! So, contestants, you get to vote. Which one do you find the best?"

* * *

><p><strong>(Off TV)<strong>

"To spare the wait, _Ren and Stimpy_ won. I was disappointed with that outcome; while I was not a fan of any of those shows, R&S was the least intelligent of the three, followed by Pikmin Fan's 'work' and Egbert and Harley's show."

Carl got on face of intelect "It goes to show how bad this generashin is nowadays. Before we had people like INTELIGENT STUFF. Like Famliy Guy."

"IT SUCKS THAT THEAT GOT CANSELED YET THE SIMPSONS IS STIL ON AIR." Seras raged and foamed at the mouth.

But then Carl's laptop (it small and cool and digitel cuz of new tecnology in the year 2041) ringing! It was Quimby trying to make a video massage!

Carl answrered it, and trhe laptop was covering his pingas to us the viewers, LIKE IN THE AUSTIN POWERS MOVYS!

"Hello president?" Carl asked.

"er a um, O SWEET JESUS I THINK I PESTERED AT THE WONG TIME." Quimby said on the other line.

"Oh." Then Carl moved his small computer to his face. "Hi now you see face not penis. Wassup Quimby?"

"er a um, THERS BADGUYS IN LONDON! er a um, AND WE NEED YOUR HELP!"

Carl got on serious fase. "ok. TEAM, LETS GO!"

* * *

><p><strong>(Brief Intermission to Show Where Everyone is Right Now)<strong>

The Hecksings have also started a band but it stil kicking badguy ass.

Homer Simpson was reancarnated into Hank Hill. And thats how _KotH_ started and that show became fucking awesome cuz _King of the Hill_ is thats what it is: FUCKAWESOME!

Naruto was still doing stuff I guess. And he was also finaly the president of the Fire Villige.

Monkey and Bleech was pirates and fitan ghosts but I dunno since I don't watch the show.

Ed, Eddy and also Edd startup a cool bisniess.

Megaman was still fighting and killing the robots and also he got to appier in SSB4 as a god fiter. BUT FANS STIL PISSED CUZ HE'S NO GENO. (AN this was before the actual for Wii U came out **(Real AN: Yes, this is the truth. I wrote this before the fourth game was properly announced.)**)

Sonic died.

Cartman had joined a Hitler Revive Grroop but got kiled by the Hecksings.

John and JAde made a sucessful TV series based on ther pasrt intrests Nick Cage Squidels and _Ed Edd and Eddy the Mis-Edcventures_. Also the 2 got maried and have kids, but they also have genderbend clones/counterparts after a secret superhero invasion went wrong. John's clone is Jean and Jade's is Jude.

David Haselhoff was stil a movie star. He didn't die because I don't want a celebrity to die in this fa fic in case they die in real life (Hitler being an exception because fuck him) and HUC will become really fucking awwerd.

The dead characters were stil dead. Except one...

* * *

><p><strong>(END INTERMISSION. Now in London Chitty)<strong>

"IT SURE IAS FUN TO BE KILING THINGS!" Yelled Erico Maxell (about time we seen him! Also hes same age as canon cuz they were younger then back in the 30 years ago other two were young as well) as he, Yumie, Heckel, and the KKK soldiers was walking down streets like a parade and killing stuff. SO IT WAS LIKE A PARADE OF BLOOD! DUN DUN DUN!

But then we heard Carl, and it sounded like Carl's voice! "HAY! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

And then the camra zoomed up like it does in _Teen titans_, and shows the shadows of the last 3 Hecksings! (Quimby isn't a official members he's two bisy ruinning the United Kingdoms of London) And they was shadows as... YOU'LL WILL SEE LATER.

Maxwel looked up. "HAY! THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS! WERE SECTION DCLXVI, WHICH IN CASE YOU DONT KNOW IS SUPOSED TO MEAN 666! WE ARE A HITLER RIVIVAL GROUP EXCEPT AFTER HIS DEATH IT'S NOT TO START WWIII WITH HITLER BUT INSTED TO KILL FOR HITLER AS SORTOF A REVENGE I GUESS BUT NOT REELY SINCE WE ARE ACTUALLY ONLY KILLIN CUZ WE LIKE WAR!"

"dont underestimate us." Carl tisked. "We are the Hecksings, and we came to KICK YOUR BUTTS."

"O shit."

And then they jumped down, and the KKK looked surprized at them for some reason. But we did not see why, cuz they were behind the bodies of the KKK.

Outta the bodies, Rip and Seras shot a several bullets, with Rups multiplying and Serases exploding everywhere! The KKK was being takked out!

But 1 of the KKK had a idea. "WE NEED TO BIBEL BOMB THEM!"

And then he poured lots of salt on a bible (salt increeses holyness meters, right?) and has about to pore nitro on it to make it a bomb, when the Pikmin soldiers came and started hitting on him!

"OW! FUCKING PIKMIN EVERYWHERE!" He said as there was other Pikmin attacking the other KKKs.

The bullets, Pikmin, and Carls sonic waves (BTW carl's secondary ability AND primary abilty are both that his Sonic Waves get a littel bigger. Zorin's, by the way, where that heat vision and flight, respectively, but she never got to use them :() was wipe out most of the KKKs! Maxwel Heckel and Yumie saw this and got a littel scared and ran.

First we saw Yumie get killed since shes the least important I think. Yellow Seras bullets was exploding around her and create smoke, and Sears vampire-shadowed jumped into the smoke and called from it to scare Yumies. Her eyes was red and flashing throughu the smoke and was the only think visibel because WE'LL FIND OUT WHY IM HIDING THE HECKSINGS LATER.

But Yumie was not sacred! She said, "HA HA HA! I HAVE A KATANA OF AWSOMENESS AND I WIL: USE IT TO KILL OFF ALL YOUR VAMPERER IDIOTS BY THE CUTTINGS OF THE HEAD AND-" But, in a fit of irony, Seras took off her head with a VAMPIRE SWIPE and asorb drink her blood like Alucard does.

Then Heckel. The blue bulets was also picking up dust and smok and it was kinda shitty to see. Rip jumped in and her glasses shined and this time insted of seeing red through the smoke this person of the Section DCLXVI saw blue.

"YOU DON'T SCARE ME! I EXPERT IN VAMPIRE KILL LIKME ANDERSON! AND IT TOOK ALUCARD FUCKING BADGUY TO TAKEOUT HIM! BUT AL'S DEAD NOW SO THAT MEENS THERES NOONE TO STOPME!"

Rip laughed eroticly. "I was the one who _made_ Alucard into a vampire!"

Heckel was not scared even throw she should be. She took out pisstols and fired, but Rip used chakra to move bullets so that it goes up Henkil's ass insted. Then Rip implaled her with all her guns and like Seras she drank her blood.

But then a KKK garbed her with a bayonet! And held her aganst him, but he blushed when he felt this AND WELL SEE WHY. "HAHAHA I GOT YOU!"

But then the Captain came from behind and cut off KKK's head by jumpin to himand slise of his doggy claws!

"Good dog. Best friend." Rip said.

"THANKS FOR COMING BACK THO THE GC TO ABSORB MY BLOOD AND FOR MAKING ME A FAMILAR TO HAVE OUT ALL THE TIME. AFTER HITLER DIED. 2 BAD THE MILENIUMS THRU OUT ZORINS BODY JUST BEFORE USING THE TITAN MECH OR ELSE YOU CULD HAVE GOTEN HER TO. (:" Captain said, now a goodguy. "O AND RIP?"

"What?" The smoke was starting to cleer!

But the more started with Carl sonic waving the background bildings, causing more smoke!

"FUCK I CANT ALL THIS SMOKE!" Maxwell swore. But then he got Sonic Waved and Carl drank his blood. The Vaticin Section was no more!

Quimby came out! "er a um, thonk you for saving us. ER A UM, BUT YOU FORGOT TO PUT CLOS ON FIRST!"

He was right! The reason why I hid ther bodies in smoke and shadow and stupid shit like that was the spoil the fact that they was naked! Rip, Seras, and Carl but not the Captain. Everyone laughed! Not eroticly like Rip earlier because there were kids there and that would be disturbng.

"COVER UP THE CHILDREN!" Shouted a annoying moral gard.

"THER R NO CHILDRIN!" Said Morbo (Ha! Futrerama refferinse! That makes this fan fic ten times more awsome now!)

The Hecksigns was not pleased at this plot twist.

"ARGH! THIS IS THE FITH TIME THIS HAPENS!" Seras yelled.

"HOLY SHIT!" Rip shouted in all caps (finaly)

"DON'T WORY RIPO I DON'T CARE IF YOU NAKED." Cpatain said.

"Well, we _did_ get naked countless times whenever we smoked pot." Rip again.

"ARGH!" Said Carl Said. "MY REPUTATION HAS LOST A FEWW POINTS!"

Tjen everybody laughed! The guys like Quimby and the town. Captain did not as he is too respectfull. And while ther boobs and croaches was covered in cansor bars, we saw the Hecksings butts uncensored and they had NICE ASSES (um I was talking about Seras and Rip not Carl cuz I'm not gay but Carl has a nice ass to for those that like men).

Even the guys ion the afterlife who was waching laughed! The goodguys in Heven, like Pip Alucard Zorin Integra and Kamina. Also the badguys in Hell, like Jan and Schrodinger. Also but Noah did not, because, once again, he is from a difrent anime.

* * *

><p><strong>BONUS! Deleted scenes<strong>

_(These aren't so much "deleted" as they are little extra clips I have considered. I have, in fact, only actually written them down here. They were not really removed from the fan fic.)_

_(New note in light of the Great Typo Cleanup: Since these aren't in the story proper, I decided not to touch them up a little bit like the fan fic as a while. I only changed the notes. So that is why the spelling might be worse than the original fic. Speaking of the GTC, I also chose not to add any of these "back" in, since I still feel that they don't really fit.)_

**Chapter 1:**

Seris was on roof.

"Do you se the targit?" Alcrd askd.

"I DUNNO SHE'S LIKE 5 NO 6 THOSAND KILOMETERS AWAY!"

Then Al floatd up to her on the roof, and salped her fase!

"KILOMETERS? WHATR YOU, FRENCH! THIS IS HE UNITED KINGDOMS OF LONDIN, AND IN THE UKOL, WE DO THINGS THE ARMERICAN WAY!"

_Due to sorta-rushing the first chapter and with the whole "Go to Heavensing right away," I couldn't really place this into the chapter. That, and because even now I'm not so sure how to parody the entire mission._

**Chapter 8:**

"GET OUT!" Integra yelled. And then Rip and Zorin garbbed the covers of ther (Integras) bed and ran out.

**Later, in chapter 12...**

In city, ripand Zorin was at the plase stil naked and looking for close. Zorin got them from suits hanging out, but Rip no found the suits that nise!

She then saw Quagmire.

"Gittigy doo! A naked!" He said happily.

But then Rip kicked his ass and stole his shirt and pants. She then she saw his underwere but insted of putting it on herself or keeping it on him she burned it.

_Another plan with Rip and Zorin other than hiring then to Hecksing was to have them run out early in chapter 8 and return much later. But, sometime around the planning, I decided to have them stay a little longer. (Much longer, in Rip's case.) Also, it would put the joke of chapter 12 being ridiculously short into jeopardy._

**Chapter 13. Yes, this very chapter:**

But then sudenly Maxwel and the Section DCLXVI was wining!

"HAHA! I MAKE COMEBACK!" Maxwel shouted.

Buyt then it was just a inception? Zorin cut him in haff and finished off the Secxtion DCLXVIs!

_I had originally decided to spare Zorin. This even went as far as when I was writing season 2, although by then I was starting to go against the idea. I then thought of having her get her blood drank by someone from Hecksing (Seras, I guess) and then being used as a familiar so that I could recreate the moment. But this wouldn't make sense; not only was her death in the deepest of Millennium territory, but Rip had a better friendship with the Captain which I sadly never really got to elaborate on in this fan fic. (Something for _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals 2_? Edit wait nevermind that idea's on a pretty big hold, but this is planned to have a number of spinoffs.) And I only wanted one of them to reappear for the finale._

**Chapter 13 again:**

In the mist of all this laffing, ther was someon coming out from the background. It was Pip!

"Hello, Carl. Or should I say, one of my many Gary Stu victims!" He shoted.

"Wat." Carl asked.

"I am a part of an organization dedicated to eliminating Gary Stus and Mary Sues. And you are one of the top subjects."

"WAIT A MINIT. I KILLED YOU. I DORPED A FIVE FUCKING TON SPASESHIP ON YOU. HOW THE HEL DID YOI SURVIVE?"

"'CUZ I'M PIP, DAMMIT!"

_Carl morphs into Charlie Sheen, it turns out Pip's eyepatch is actually covering a Sharingan, and the two have a showdown which ends in Carl getting killed by a train. After Carl's death, the fan fic would be written in normal prose, and Rip and the Captain would attempt to rebuild the Millennium from the ground up, starting with trying to kill Seras. I decided against this ending because it was stupid even by HUC standards, and I liked ending it on a gag that hasn't been seen for ten chapters. ("Noah's from a different anime.") But I still do kinda like this._

_I also think not going with this was a good call. It would have killed off any chance of the spinoffs being taken in an "un-meta?" way._

* * *

><p><strong>Closing AN:<strong>

This chapter was very fun to write, at least the first half. I just really like the world building and it was nice to elaborate on the side, crossover characters.

**Final Thoughts:**

Welp, HUC is finally finished. I probably wouldn't make that big of a deal about it if this wasn't the first fan fic (not counting short stories) I have concluded. And no, _Eds' EDventure_ isn't over with yet. In fact, I still have a second chapter in progress.

I personally thought I rushed this a little. Especially since I only wrote certain parts during the deadline date. Chapters ten and eleven in particular... yeah. There were still a lot of things I wanted to elaborate on, but the semi-linear "Hecksing vs. Millennium" plotline I gave myself for every chapter except 1, 9, and 13 kind of prevented it. Speaking of which, I also never really got to establish Carl as that much of a jerk outside of his introduction. If anything, I made Seras the untollerable one. I made some changes to the story, especially early on, to try to make Carl less likable and Seras more sympathetic. But I think I lazed off near the end.

**Outdated Section that I'm still keeping for history purposes:** With this out of the way, you can now expect a little more from me in the future. I'll finally resume production on _Total Fan Service Plains_ (which, as the first three chapters stand, is a total mess that I want to clean up ASAP) and _Movie Day_'s expected publish date gets bumped closer. Those will be my top priorities, aside from real life school work of course. As for any new ideas, it's kinda random. I don't tend to think up fan fic ideas that often at all, and most of the ones I do I reject and decide not to write about a month later.

**Long overdue disclaimer:** I do not own _Hellsing_, and you should be glad about that. Trust me. Or, for that matter, I do not own any of the other works who's characters have appeared here.

Also, happy birthday, John Egbert. (If you don't get that reference you probably won't get some of the jokes in this fan fic.)

**THE END.**

* * *

><p>The girl made several adjustments to the device with several tools, wiping the sweat off from her forehead where green hair lay not too far above. Indeed, this lime tone was the only big visual difference between her and a dead girl known as Nazz. Finally sensing herself done with her project, she stepped back to take a look.<p>

"Eddy's going to love this. He will be _so_ happy to find out that I have built a device that can bring Ed and Edd back to life! Man, it may have been only four weeks, but to me it felt like these guys have been dead for five years. Maybe _more_!"


End file.
